Sometimes I Write Things

What's up Utah!

2010-07-07T15:21:00.003-04:00

I'm going to be in town this weekend and am stopping by Wiseguys in Trolley Square to tell a joke or two (or more)!

Friday and Saturday (July 9-10)
8 and 10 PM
http://www.wiseguyscomedy.com/

The very very funny Keith Stubbs is headlining. It'll be a-ton-o-fun.

Love,
JKJ

Bar 9 Comedy Night

2010-06-23T10:54:00.001-04:00

SEE YOU THERE!

Love,
Jenna

Mr. Broccoli is at it again...

2010-06-09T23:36:00.002-04:00

My stand up stalker, Mr. Broccoli is back and creepier (or funnier) than ever.

http://www.xtranormal.com/profile/2612047/?listid=12482189

Love,

Jenna

I'm a total blogging slacker...

2010-06-08T15:16:00.005-04:00

...but you can't be mad at me because it's my birthday!

Here's a little something my family made for me:

And the cutest birthday candles ever:

Love,
JKJ

I'm working...

2010-05-16T01:47:00.002-04:00

...on posts. I promise!

I am, however, always updating twitter, so follow me there if you aren't already!

http://twitter.com/jennakimjones

Love,
Jenna

In case you missed it...

2010-05-09T22:55:00.004-04:00

Last week I was on Alison Rosen Is Your New Best Friend. Here, ladies and gentlemen, are a few of the highlights from the special Cinco De Mayo episode:

Enjoy!

Love,
Jenna

This is what happens...

2010-05-06T10:44:00.005-04:00

...when you don't wear a seat belt in a cab.

Last Friday night, I was in a cab accident. My cab smashed into a van when the van turned in front of us in an intersection in Union Square.

I wasn't wearing my seat belt and smacked my face against the plastic that divides the driver from the passenger.

Whoops!

Don't worry, thanks to modern marvels like makeup and ice packs and Sunchips (wait, what?) and Charles in Charge, I'm looking and feeling much better.

Love,
Jenna

Mid-Week-Pop-Music-Pick-Me-Up 5/5/10

2010-05-05T08:25:00.002-04:00

Good morning, friends! This week's pick-me-up isn't so much about the music but more about... laughing at awkward performances.

Ke$ha, the one and only white girl (or any girl, really) with a dollar sign in her name, recently performed on SNL. Her song, "Tik Tok," is terrible. That doesn't mean I don't know all the words to the song because I do. But I think we can all agree it is a terrible song. So when she performed on SNL, I didn't expect much. In the end of it, I got so much more than a bargained for.

If Ke$ha was European, I might let this performance slide. But she isn't. She's from LA. At least she's patriotic? Maybe Miley Cyrus could borrow her cape for her next performance of Party in the U.S.A. I bet the astronaut dancers were thrilled they had to wear helmets that hid their faces. I'm not sure I could look people in the eyes and do the robot seriously. And what about that laser harp thingy? I wonder if that's how all music will be played in the future.

Seriously guys, "Does anyone ever stop and think maybe we are the aliens?" No, Ke$ha. Did you ever stop to think you might regret this performance? Are you brushing your teeth with a bottle of Jack again? Your breath must reek. That's worse than milk breath.

Enjoy. You'll be doing the lazy arm robot dance for the rest of the day.

Waking up each and every morning feeling just like P. Diddy (and sometimes Puff Daddy),
JKJ

JKJ's Fake Rumors 5/3/10

2010-05-03T20:56:00.002-04:00

He Speaks: Did you see Conan on 60 Minutes last night? I'm sure CBS brought in their youngest audience...EVER. And I'm sure the older folks watching wished the interview had been with Leno but hey, you can't please everybody. Fans are still with Coco but according to a survey I took with myself and a couple of stuffed animals in my apartment, 100% agree they aren't with his beard. Shave, man!

Heard on the Street: Steve Carrell has said that he will "probably" leave The Office which means fans will "probably" stop watching The Office.

Money Well Spent: Paris Hilton went shopping over the weekend and reportedly spent $23,000 at one store. What the gossip website who reported this failed to mention was that the $23,000 was actually spent at Old Navy. She now owns about 45,000 new t-shirts, board shorts and flip flops in assorted colors that don't fit well.

Bad News: Just when I had all the straight male models in the world to myself, Halle Berry had to go and get all single on me. Not sure who dumped who but Halle Berry is back on the market. Ladies, man your men.

Love,
JKJ

They're coming...

2010-05-03T14:05:00.002-04:00

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors are on their way...

BUT a little FYI...

If you're in the city, come see me tell jokes tonight. The show is free, no drink minimum and it is in a "hip" neighborhood (so I'm told).

8 PM at Pianos! The show is called "It Is It" and IT is produced by my co-worker Adam Lowitt. He's very funny and his show is a lot of fun too. Click here for more info about Pianos.

Now back to work/rumors!

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I like my music On the Rocks

2010-04-29T10:25:00.004-04:00

For the last 24 hours, I have been obsessed with this video:

These dudes go to the University of Oregon and call themselves "On the Rocks." They are a capella at it's finest/whitest/nerdiest/happiest.

Apparently, On the Rocks was in New York City. First of all, I'm sorry I missed that. I'm confident I would have scored a few dates. And yes, I know that sounds desperate. But that's not the point. Didn't anyone tell them that nerdy a capella music and cynical New Yorkers are like oil and water? Not cool, dudes. You just irritated about 25 people out of their minds. They complained about you for the next week and a half.

I have a long history with a capella. My sister performed in a group when she was in college. I thought they were superstars. And then, around the same time, I saw Rockapella perform in Orem, Utah. I was smitten. In fact, I'm pretty sure, I went up to them after the show and made them sign my CD. Ok, I'm not pretty sure, I'm sure.

Where in the world is...Rockapella? I'm going to guess they're still touring around places like Orem, Utah signing albums for impressionable young girls.

I have no place making fun of singing groups. In high school, I sang in a group called X-treme. I was in a show at Lagoon Amusement Park in Farmington, Utah called "Rock U2 the Top." I sang in the jazz band. Yikes. At least I didn't major in musical theater, right? JUST KIDDING, actor friends. That was a totally practical and worthwhile degree. Ok really, I'm kidding, singing/dancing/acting is awesome. Now can I get a discount at that restaurant you're working at if I come in during your shift? (S-N-A-P!)

Love,
JKJ

Mid-Week-Pop-Music-Pick-Me-Up 4/28/10

2010-04-28T01:42:00.005-04:00

Unfortunately for you, the pop-music-pick-me-up this week is more of a pop-music-keep-you-down. Ok fine, it's more of a pop-music-KILL-ME-NOW.

Are you ready for this? (Every time I say that I think of Jock Jams and I feel like a cheerleader all over again.)

Countess LuAnn...

...released her single titled, "Money Can't Buy You Class."

Oh, the HORROR!

For those of you who don't know this woman and think I'm being unnecessarily dramatic, I am and let me fill you in. Countless, excuse me, Countess LuAnn co-stars in Bravo's reality television show, The Real Housewives of New York City. She is a Countess through marriage and although recently divorced is allowed to keep her title.

For the record, all of the women on these shows are insane, including LeAnn.

That being said: Hey lady, who married into money, does your pop-techno song have to be called "Money Can't Buy You Class?" At least you're being honest.

The song is about etiquette and manners and it is retarded. But please, don't take my word for it. Listen and decide how much you hate it. Maybe you'll love it. If so, let's not be friends. You can listen to her song here or here. And I imagine by now there are some funny remixes on youtube as well but I'll let you fine those on your own.

Unfortunately, she isn't the first housewife from the "Real Housewives" empire that Bravo has so carefully (I'd argue carelessly) constructed.

For those of you who watch, remember Kim from The Real Housewives of Atlanta? She actually wanted to be a singer who unfortunately couldn't sing a note yet still managed to release "Don't Be Tardy for the Party." (Yes, that is really the title of the song. And yes, someday when I'm the Lady Weird Al of pop music, I will release that song as "Don't Be Farty for the Party." I can't wait.)

Both songs are terrible though I'd argue that Countess LuAnn's is the worst. I'd also like to challenge Justin Bieber to sing as low as she does. He definitely couldn't do it.

These women make Miley Cyrus's voice sound like Celine Dion or Whitney Houston (before Bobby and crack).

Do you think if I stay in New York long enough, I can be a housewife too? Maybe then I'll finally be able to release a tacky pop song. I'll make sure I take myself REALLY seriously when I do.

Enjoy!

Love,
JKJ

Warning: after reading this post, it is highly recommended you listen to real music. Immediately. Or else the part of your brain that hears and understands music will commit suicide.

Ninja Fund Strikes Again

2010-04-27T15:40:00.002-04:00

The Ninja Fund started about three years ago because I couldn't afford to eat at the restaurant Ninja New York but desperately wanted to. Today, I still can't afford to eat there BUT I did end up eating there (thanks to a very generous date) about a year and a half ago.

Since I've already eaten at Ninja, there is no point for the Ninja Fund except a little extra cash for me and some cheap entertainment for you. Any suggestions on a new restaurant I should try out?

Also, I'm keeping the name because I like the way it sounds.

On Sunday night, the Ninja Fund came up at a dinner party at my apartment. I don't remember how or why but it did and suddenly I was being challenged, by my friend Max, to eat a scoop of sour cream, which I absolutely despise, for $5.

Easiest $5 EVER.

In the video it appears that I'm only getting $3 and a Diet Coke but one of my guests (Awesome John) coughed up the extra $2 which I spent on a Diet Coke anyway. Thanks, John!

I'm disgusting, I know.

Love,
Jenna

Hey friends!

2010-04-26T13:46:00.003-04:00

As you know, I've been promising a website for months now. Well, I've run into some difficulties that will take some time to get over so until then, I'm trying to decide whether or not I should start blogging again like the good ol' days. What do you think? Absolutely 100% yes, we don't know how we've survived without your lame jokes and silly opinions or please no, save us from your self loathing and obsession with all things food? Let me know.

Yes I know, I have terrible handwriting.

In the meantime, check out a small portion from my appearance on Alison Rosen is Your New Best Friend last week.

Do what your mother tells you and follow me on twitter.

Love,
Jenna

P.S. New Ninja Fund video coming soon.

Sometimes I Tell Jokes..

2010-02-15T21:44:00.003-05:00

...and now I've officially posted some of those jokes online.

Yowsers.

Jokes jokes jokes, jokes jokes jokes...

Love,
Jenna

Another Update

2010-02-03T14:33:00.007-05:00

Hey friends!

The website is still under construction. I know, I know, it's been a long time coming BUT it will be worth the wait. Here's one of the photos that will be featured on the website taken by fantastic photographer and friend, Brandon Flint.

If you like this pic, check out more at his website here.

Until the site is up and running, I have some stand up shows coming up that you should know about.

February 16th - 8:45 PM @ Broadway Comedy Club (53rd b/t 8th and 9th) I'm hosting!

Feb. 24th - The Daily Show and Friends @ Comix with John Oliver, Rory Albanese, and many many more great performers. Oh and me, of course. For more info or to buy tickets (yay), click here.

March 20th - Stone and Stone Show at The PIT. I met Adam and Todd Stone last week and these guys are hilarious. This twin comedy duo hosts a show every month at the PIT and graciously invited me to make an appearance on their show on March 20. You might remember the Stones from Last Comic's Standing. Mark your calendars. Click here for more info and of course, to buy tickets.

For more updates and occasionally funny blurbs less than 140 characters long, don't forget to follow me on Twitter. It's tweet-tastic. (Terrible, I'm terrible.)

Love,
Jenna

For those of you out West...

2010-01-14T14:35:00.002-05:00

I'm going to be in Idaho this weekend performing stand up with other hilarious people!

My friend, Ryan Hamilton, is headlining at BYU-Idaho in Rexburg, Idaho on Friday and Saturday and I am thrilled to inform you that I'll be performing a few jokes as well before he takes the stage. If you're around...you live in Idaho...you're close to Idaho...you love me...you're stalking me...whatever the case may be...here's your chance to get up close and personal (but not too personal).

Follow this link to buy your $5 tickets! Did you read that? $5!!! It's the comedy deal of a lifetime but tickets are going fast and the shows will sell out so hurry!

See you there!

Love,
Jenna

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 1/11/10

2010-01-11T12:10:00.005-05:00

I know what you're thinking...Jenna's new website totally blows. Well, this isn't the new website, so settle down. You all missed me soooooo much I couldn't take it anymore. The late night e-mails, the drunk dialing, the sappy tweets can all come to an end. I'm blogging, ok? I'm doing this for you.

Resolving in the New Year: First of all, Happy New Year. Did you set your resolutions? Here's the secret. Set your sights low. Like for example, this year, my resolution is to date and dump Nick Carter. He's the only single BSB left. No really! AJ (the edgie one) is officially engaged and the rest are like 45 and married with 6 kids. I'm pretty excited about dating Nick. He seems less excited as he has yet to reply to ONE of my tweets. RUDE!

Speaking of Engaged:

She

is still dating

THAT.
(No, that's not a picture of Katy Perry when she wakes up in the morning...)

They're enGAGed. (OMG, that was SO "Perez" of me.) Rumor is, she might be pregnant? Those two are so hairy, boy or girl, that baby will be born with a mustache and fuzzy shoulders. It will be the youngest person ever to have their eyebrows waxed.

Engagement Addict: Amy Winehouse is engaged to her EX-husband. And because she is known for making good decisions, this can only end well for her. I think I've figured her out. Amy has an addictive personality and she's now replaced her drug and alcohol addictions with marriage and divorce! She'll just marry and divorce her ex-husband over and over again. Although it was kind of adorable that when she was an alcoholic with the last name WINEhouse, that phase is over and now she gets a high from "I Do."

Do something great this year. Get engaged, write a novel, follow me on twitter. <--Oh what a good idea!

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes...

2009-11-30T12:29:00.005-05:00

...I work on other projects while my website is still under construction.

SO dear readers, how are you at listening? I recently started a podcast called, Spam Radio, with a friend of mine. His name is Shawn. He thinks he's smarter than me. Which he is. But I'm prettier which...oh wait...that gets me no where in this equation. OH NO, HE IS SMARTER!

Tune in to our podcast to hear the two of us talk about absolutely nothing of very much importance.

You can check out our podcast at http://spamfm.com OR subscribe to it on itunes.

And don't forget to become a fan on facebook!

Love,
Jenna

OH MY GOSH It's November 11th...

2009-11-11T19:19:00.004-05:00

...I haven't blogged for far too long.

I have good excuses, I really do. BUT I won't bore you with them.

Well, maybe I will.

I'm in the process of revamping my blog and by revamping, I mean, I'm leaving the blogger behind! I'm going full blown website, people. There will be pictures and videos and songs and blogs and MY PODCAST...ALL coming soon to YOUR COMPUTER!!!

In the meantime, I'll try to post here and there but please, please be patient.

I love you all.

Love,
Jenna

If you need a little more Jenna in your life, feel free to follow me on twitter. www.twitter.com/jennakimjones

Sometimes Halloween...

2009-10-27T16:00:00.003-04:00

...is about so much more than ghouls and ghosts and girls dressed like scanky firewomen. Like this video, made by my friend, Collin Mapp.

I enjoyed it and so will you.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes Wild Turkeys...

2009-10-27T12:06:00.003-04:00

...attack! They're fierce.

Why is this so funny?

Love,
Jenna

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 10/26/09

2009-10-27T10:13:00.003-04:00

The Miracle of the Hudson: The World Series starts tomorrow...maybe. It's pouring rain today in New York City and according to weather.com it's going to keep raining. Maybe Kate Hudson could stop the rain? I mean, she's turned A-Rod into the superstar baseball player Yankees fans hoped he could be so perhaps she knows someone in Mother Nature's offices? Rumor is, she's nearly persuaded A-Rod to convert to Buddhism. Now, I don't know about you but I didn't realize she was such a spiritual giant. I did not get that vibe from her in How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days. (She better not mess with his heart in the next few weeks or New York City will NEVER forgive her. There will be riots.)

Lohan Unleashed: After partying too hard (and stealing a fur coat), Lohan was banned from many New York City clubs. The ban was recently lifted and she's allowed back in. Those clubs must be struggling and need a little publicity because I can't imagine any other reason to let her back in. Hide your coats, ladies, because it's cold outside and I heard Lohan is in the market for a new one.

The Hills Have Boyfriends: Kristen Cavallari, the new star of The Hills (the old star of Laguna Beach: The Real O.C.) has a secret off camera boyfriend. I personally hope it's Stephen from Laguna Beach (Suck on THAT, Lauren Conrad!) though I think it's someone we DON'T know. The Hills' producers are NOT pleased. And here's what I say to them: RELAX. WE ALL KNEW THE SHOW WAS FAKE BEFORE IT EVEN STARTED. I wasn't exactly shocked to find out she had a real life boyfriend. The only reason that the show isn't 100% scripted is because the cast doesn't know how to read and can only remember so many words.

My Weekly Smelly Person Rant: Katy Perry, the Lady-Kissing-Hot-and-Cold-Diva-Queen, turned 25 this week.

Did you know she's dating that?

Russel Brand smells.

Now I usually don't like to cast judgment on the person another person chooses to date since I, myself, don't exactly have a great dating track record. Not to mention, I hang out with a lot of comedians, so I'll probably end up dating one of them which is absolutely fine as I completely accepted the fact that I wouldn't marry a physically attractive man a long time ago. BUT Russell Brand is the least attractive comedian I've ever seen. He looks like he smells like a dirty boys dorm room all the time. The smell of alcohol, weed, sweat, pizza and farts are all trapped up in his skinny jeans. Guh. I'm going to be sick.

Two Oranges on Two Toothpicks: The Olsen twins have a few fashion line coming out at JC Penney. I looked through some pictures of the twins and their clothes and I can't remember what any of the clothes look like because I was so focused on their massive heads. I hope they sell hats in size Mary Kate and Ashley because I'll finally be able to find a hat to fit my giant noggin'.

Hot Water on Set: A production assistant on the set of Channing Tatum's new movie accidentally poured a pot of boiling water over the star. Being a production assistant myself, I can't tell you how that story made my heart sink. I'm sure he or she was fired immediately and has yet to recover from the idea of possibly scarring one of the most attractive men in the movie industry. Hey, if Channing can sing, maybe he can star in The Phantom of the Opera?

Love,
Jenna

Mid Week Pop Music Pick Me Up 10/14/09

2009-10-14T08:00:00.004-04:00

Introducing JUSTIN BIEBER

Aaron Carter wishes he was Justin Bieber. Booyah.

This kid's 15, he's got a cute little voice (which will hopefully not change too much after puberty) and girls love him. His single "One Time" is catchier than those stupid freecreditreport.com commercials but thankfully, Justin's a lot less annoying.

The Best Parts of the music video, "One Time:"

1. Justin is house sitting for Usher.

2. The video director does a great job hiding the fact that Justin's love interest is at least a foot taller than him. He must be a little guy because she is always leaning or sitting next to him. Girls are always bigger than boys at that age. Trust me, I have an entire journal from the 8th grade complaining about it.

3. I still think he sounds like Miley Cyrus sometimes.

Now watch and enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0-qQdw7Xpv4

And if you're wondering how to say his last name, it's pronounced Beeber, not Biber. I hope his fans call themselves Bieber Girls. He should wear a beeper and call it his Bieber.

It's Bieber time!

Love,
Jenna

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 10/12/09

2009-10-12T14:04:00.003-04:00

It's been a while. You missed the rumors. I know.

I'm getting old. How is it possible that I don't know who Justin Bieber is? Maybe you're saying to yourself, "Justin who?" Well apparently he's the newest hottest 15 year old pop singer; signed by Usher and breaking preteens' hearts everywhere. I was upset that I, the queen of pop music (a self imposed title - it's up for debate, I agree) don't know the singing sensation. I immediately youtubed his very popular single and realized I had actually heard this adorable song before. "One Time" is catchy and charming and up until I saw the music video, I was sure it was a Miley Cyrus original. Whoops. Sorry, Justin (and Miley).

Speaking of Miley, the true Disney Princess, recently cancelled her Twitter account. Courtney Love also cancelled her account because if Miley can quit tweeting, she can quit tweeting (and cocaine). According to Ms. Miley, twitter was a waste of time and though I agree, it also sounds to me like she's trying to go from girl....to....woman and shed anything that might make her appear too young. Uh oh, don't do it Miley. We don't need any Britney repeats. Heaven forbid you end of up stealing fur coats like Lohan. Miley might already be on a downard slope. She was seen eating at Outback and left...without leaving a tip. Maybe she had a bad waiter? Maybe her awesome blossom wasn't so awesome? Who knows...I'd suggest not eating at Outback, if you ask me.

In Lohan family news, Michael, the father of the red headed firecrackwhore (yowsers, that's a catty thing to say), has been hanging out with Jon Gosselin. Oh come on, Jon! You want people to be on your side? Believe your whole "Kate is abusive" line? Don't hang out with a notoriously bad father. The two of them have been sitting around exchanging stories of how misunderstood they are while they try on each other's Ed Hardy apparel.

Lastly, it turns out that Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are related! Ben is Matt's father? Nope. Matt is Ben's half brother? Try again. Ben is Matt's grandma's sister's cousin's daughter's son? Close. Ok I'll tell you. They are tenth cousins one removed! Are people even related at that point? I'm probably their tenth cousin as well. The entire cast of The View are probably related to them as well. Barack Obama is probably related to them too. In fact, we're all probably related to Matt and Ben (though hopefully closer to Matt).

That's it for this week. Thanks for reading, you big nerds.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I get a little distracted...

2009-10-06T00:22:00.015-04:00

...okay, fine, I'll take a break from watching the Backstreet Boys new music video and blog for you lovelies.

So Barack didn't win the Olympic bid for Chicago. Have you had Chicago Style pizza? It's worth it, world, I promise. But fine, whatever, they are having the 2016 Olympics in Rio...(I'd spell the rest of it out but that might require a dictionary...I'll pass...this whole half word trend is good for something. It's the perfect way to avoid spelling and still sound hip.) Rio, ol' Rio. I wonder how they won. Perhaps the Olympic committee figured out some kind of formula that could estimate the number of stabbings that could potentially occur in Chicago and Rio during the Olympics and Rio won by a few less murders. In any case, like any good friend would say comfortingly, Chicago, if they don't want you, you're obviously too good for them. Let's go get facials and read "O" Magazine.

Lauren Conrad, star of Laguna Beach: the Real O.C. and most currently, The Hills, "wrote" a book this year about a young girl who lives in L.A. and works in fashion, titled L.A. Candy. I know what you're thinking and I definitely thought the book was about cocaine and who knows, it could be. I haven't read it but I'm pretty sure it's just another version of Lauren Conrad's so called life. Nothing in that girl's life is real. Someday she is going to wake up and realize she has zero talent and no real friends and it's going to, uh, pardon my language, suck. Does she even have parents? Or is she some kind of robot that MTV created out of nothing? Yes, that all seems harsh and she probably has feelings so I shouldn't say any of this. I'm a jerk, I get it. Anyway, her book is going to be turned into a movie. I wonder who will star in it? Honestly, I'm hoping for Lindsay Lohan. That way the movie will be turned into an ABC Family Original and I can watch it with my friends for free while eating pizza rolls on my couch. That's right TOTINO'S PIZZA ROLLS! Hey, at least my life is real. Whatever, I'm normal.

How else can I talk about pizza in this post...

I met Slim Thug (see video below) on Friday at work (because I have a sweet job). It was my first and could be perhaps my only experience on the set of a rap music video (produced by The Daily Show). I also got a glimpse into the life of a video vixen. You know, those girlies who dance around in rap videos? Yeah, they exist. It's a profession, apparently. And those girls, wow, they know how to move in heels and spandex like I've never really seen anyone move before. It was intimidating. And gross.

Also, Slim Thug doesn't eat pizza. I know that to be a fact. He is prone to high cholesterol, though I probably shouldn't be spreading that around. It could be his only weakness and he doesn't want his nemesis (who I hope is named Fat Thug or Chubby Thug or some variation of that) to find out. I just had to figure out some way to tie pizza into this! Overall, he was a nice guy.

My coworker offered me $300 to be a "rap ho" (That's what they're called, I'm not being judgmental!) for Halloween. Tempting! Though it seems like those "dresses" they wear might be a little cold. Also, I'm not sure they make them in size "white girl butt."

You've been a great audience, thanks for reading. Be a real audience this Wednesday at Stand Up NY. Details in previous post below.

I like you but not as much as Letterman likes his female staffers. Zing! I'm actually pretty weirded (not a real word, by the way) out by the whole situation especially since I worked there for a short time. Making light of it kind of freaks me out/makes me sad. I take it back. Guh, I hate my guilt complex.

I've got to stop writing late at night.

Love,

Jenna

P.S. Brian of the Backstreet Boys came down with the Swine Flu. If the Backstreet Boys aren't immune, none of us are. Wash your swine, people. And your hands too. Oink!

2009-09-28T05:10:00.002-04:00

The Octoberfest Comedian Showcase!!!

Please come out to the ALL-STAR COMEDIAN SHOW @ on WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 7th At 8:30 PM at STANDUP NY COMEDY CLUB (78th and Broadway)

This show will be one of the best of the year featuring comedians from MTV, COMEDY CENTRAL, HBO, LETTERMAN, LAST CALL with CARSON DALY AND CONAN O"BRIEN.

BOB DIBUONO: MTV's "TRL", FOX'S "Red Eye", SPIKE TV, Jim Bruer Unleashed on Sirius Satellite Radio
http://bobdibuono.com/

JOEY GAY: NBC's "Last Comic Standing", Comedy Central
http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=86843

ERIC LYDEN: CBS's "Comics Unleashed".
http://www.ericlyden.com/

VIC HENLEY: Comedy Central Presents
http://www.vichenley.com/

Jenna Kim Jones: Competitive Eater as seen at most fast food joints in the Midtown Area, Hottie Extraordinaire, Acclaimed funny person by her Doorman (occasionally) and a cab driver (once).
http://www.peopleofwalmart.com

Please call and make a reservation by MONDAY, October 5TH at 212-595-0850

Admission is $15 per person with a two-drink mimimum.

It's a "fest" in October! How could you say no??? GREAT! I'll see you there!!!

Love,

Jenna

Sometimes Obama is too smooth...

2009-09-25T13:31:00.001-04:00

...and he comes off like his statue at Madame Tussauds Wax Museum in Times Squares.

Relax, man!

Barack Obama's amazingly consistent smile from Eric Spiegelman on Vimeo.

Love,
Jenna

Mid Week Pop Music Pick Me Up 9/23/09

2009-09-23T14:32:00.003-04:00

You guys, I think I still love the Backstreet Boys.

Even though their new video barely makes sense. That's right, the BSB have a new music video because they have a new album coming out on October 6th. I have tried to fight the excitement in my heart but it keeps coming back like McKenzie Phillips to cocaine (yikes).

Their new music video, as I said, doesn't make a lot of sense. There is a weird intro about "hunters being hunted," a lesbian vampire, a lot of dancing and I've already said too much. Mmhmm, this video is off the shinizzzzlehook

Pay close attention to AJ's glow in the dark nail polish. He's SO edgy.

Now WATCH:

While watching, I was embarrassed for two reasons:

1. I realized the video is silly and they're probably too old for this
2. It still made me blush

So as a result, I've been trying to get Nick Carter to talk to me on twitter, unsuccessfully, but I will not give up that easily.

I'm pathetic, I know. Whatever, I'm normal.

Love,
Jenna

Remember when you used to blog?

2009-09-21T23:35:00.006-04:00

That's what my friend, Alisa, said to me today and it nearly broke my heart. Ok my heart wasn't that close to breaking, it's been much closer--Ryan Reynolds, you really had to marry SCARJO? How could you!

I just feel a little guilty for neglecting my blog.

Though, feeling guilty isn't exactly a hard thing to make me feel. I experience guilt at least 12 times a day for things that don't really matter. I'm so guilty that I see a policeman and wrack my brain. Is he looking for me? Am I being arrested? Did I just jaywalk? I practically turn myself in. "Take me away officer, I forgot to call my mother earlier. Yes, I farted in the aisle at Duane Reade. Ok, fine, I tried a grape at the grocery store." You name it, I've felt guilty about it. And I wonder why I can't sleep well at night.

Anyway, the point is, I'm letting my 48 followers down. Of course, I think about all of you. I've been busy lately...but too busy for blogging? How dare I!

So I'm back. At least for tonight. I'm putting the premiere of House on the back burner. It will still be on my DVR in the morning. It will (I have to assure myself).

Gossip Girl can also wait. She's kind of a beeyotch anyway so I don't mind putting her in her place, whoever she is.

A month ago, I thought I was dying of another brain infection but that's only because I think I'm a doctor thanks to WebMD (I've self diagnosed a brain infection before). Turns out, there is nothing wrong with me at all but after spending a week on the symptom checker, I'm sure I've memorized almost every symptom and what they might lead to.

I really hated going to the doctor. WebMD was much more satisfying. WebMD doesn't make me feel crazy. It just allows me to be crazy. I bet doctors totally hate it and people like me.

I've realized though, we're all soft. And no, I did not just call you fat. I mean, we're pansies. No, we're not flowers, we're wusses. Yes, that's the word. With all the prescription drug ads on television, people just assume that there's a drug for everything, right? Like me, for example.

Doctor: So tell me what the problem is?

Jenna: Well, I'm just so sore. I'm all achy. I can barely walk.

Doctor: Have you worked out recently?

Jenna: Yesterday.

Doctor: And when was the last time you worked out before that?

Jenna: 1997

Doctor: You're experiencing sore muscles. That's normal.

Jenna: Right, well WebMD said I have Parkinson's or a rare bacteria infection that you can only get from a fungus in South American rain forests. I think it's the fungus one. I've decided we should amputate.

Doctor: No, you're just out of shape.

Jenna: Right, I hadn't really planned for that. If that is the case, what can you give me? Vicodin, percocet, you tell me, you're the "doctor."

Doctor: You don't need drugs, you need to work out more.

Jenna: Whoa, whoa...

Doctor: It couldn't hurt to lose...

Jenna: (awkward silence) Before I go, is there some way to make sore muscles sound like a bigger deal, you know, just so I can get out of work for a few days?

Doctor: Lazy-gluteus-maximus-syndrome.

Jenna: Awesome, thanks!

Whatever, I'm normal.

I hope you all miss me as much as I miss you.

Love,

Jenna

Sometimes MTV has a Video Music Awards Show...

2009-09-14T10:28:00.008-04:00

...even though MTV hasn't played a music video since The Real World began its reign of terror (and STDs). Come to think of it, VMA kind of sounds like a disease...

MTV's Video Music Awards aired last night live from Radio City Music Hall. Thank goodness! I've got plenty of material to make my first week back to blogging so much easier!

It's almost too easy.

Should I start with the most obvious target of the night? Lady Gaga. I've said it before and I'll say it again, that girl is a freak. And not freaky, like let's get it on freaky. I mean, she is a weirdo. But of course, she chooses to act the way she does. My conclusion after watching her die on stage last night was this: I think I might actually be afraid of her. Does she ever just let down her hair (if she has any...I've only ever seen her in wigs), go back to whatever planet (or state) she's from, eat pizza (instead of human brains) and watch Gossip Girl (or reruns of Roseanne) like the rest of us? Or is she constantly trying to hide her face (she wears a lot of sparkles/feathers/bird's nests as a means of distraction from what seems to be a rather large nose)? I'm being harsh. She's a person too, I think. By the end of the night, she had changed her clothes at least 16 times and made Michael Jackson look like a regular ol' guy. Seriously, what was the nest she had around her face? If that's fashion, count me out. Even Tracy Morgan was afraid of her. And he's mentally insane. Put Taylor Swift and Lady Gaga next to each other and Taylor looks celestial.

Poor Taylor Swift. Kanye West had to steal her thunder. Actually, I take it back. This could perhaps be the greatest thing that's ever happened to Taylor's career. The whole country is on her side. And Kanye, well, George Bush hates black people and Kanye West hates country music. Hates country music but loves attention...turns out he was booked as Leno's guest on Leno's first episode of his primetime talk show. Cause a stir, gets lots of publicity and then make an appearance on a show that desperately needs ratings. Kanye, it's all very suspicious...VERY suspicious.

Madonna tried to make me feel bad about thinking MJ was strange. He was weird. He was talented and bizarre. So he had a weird and difficult childhood. So did I. So did everyone. Hard things happen...that doesn't mean you can cut off your face, become a prescription drug addict and pretend you're 10 forever. Don't get me wrong, I love MJ's music and his dancing...but I refuse to let Madonna preach to me about anything unless, of course, she has me in a choke hold.

There were a million other things that happened last night but I really couldn't watch the entire show. I saw snippets here and there but realized that at 23, I'm just too old for it all.

By the way, Russell Brand looked as smelly as ever, don't you think?

Happy post VMA day!

Love,

Jenna

Sometimes musical numbers...

2009-09-10T13:43:00.002-04:00

...go terribly terribly wrong. GLEE...you broke my heart last night! That was a terrible episode. A terrible come back. I'm distraught.

I'm sorry that I recommended that show...please forgive me. Though I'm willing to give it another chance.

But if next week's episode is like last night's train wreck, count me out. It's a shame. I love singing and dancing too much for this.

Love,
Jenna

Happy 09/09/09

2009-09-08T10:33:00.004-04:00

I'm exhausted. But I'm back from a two week vacation and ready to blog again.

I spent my vacation in Utah and California. Which was fantastic. Did I mention how exhausted I am?

Well in any case, it was worth it.

I managed to completely avoid the news for two weeks. I barely have any idea what is going on in the world. Yippee! Ignorance is bliss. It absolutely is. Smart and informed people have no idea what they're missing.

There is one thing I know: I know that GLEE is premiering tonight!

If you missed the first episode of Glee, which aired last spring, watch it on Hulu.com NOW!

If you don't have time to watch the entire episode, here is a trailer that pretty much sums up everything you need to know. Really, it's quite comprehensive:

Make sure you watch it because tonight is the second episode and you don't want to be confused do you?

Now that you're ready to watch Glee, we can continue this blogger reader friendship we have going on here.

What else has been happening? Obama's corrupting our youth by telling them to go to school and work hard. MJ was FINALLY buried. Phew! And I think we all learned that we should pay more attention to who our neighbors hold hostage in their backyard.

Man, I've got to get back into this blogging thing. But I'm tired of the same old, same old blog. She needs a makeover, don't you think? I have some new ideas, posts, colors, fun stuff that I'm working on. Any ideas? In the meantime, somebody call 911...because there's a shorty fire burning on the dance floor!

Anybody want to debate Health Care?

I used to be Love drunk but now I'm hungover,
Jenna

I'M SORRY!

2009-09-02T13:08:00.001-04:00

I've been on vacation...I'm still on vacation...

BUT I'LL BE BACK BEFORE YOU KNOW IT.

BTWITIAILWU!

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I think I'm talented...

2009-08-21T12:21:00.001-04:00

...and then I see this and I have to start the talent search all over again.

Love,
Jenna

(Still working on that pop music pick me up...whoops...)

Sometimes you can read this...

2009-08-18T02:06:00.006-04:00

...or watch me read this live in person! Ok so, I won't actually be reading my blog on stage but I will try to tell jokes and I really need you to come watch me try. (Seriously, I just found out about this show and if I don't bring some peeps to it, I don't get to tell no jokes.)

Here are the details:

The ALL-STAR COMEDY SUMMER FEST!!

You are invited to the ALL-STAR COMEDIAN SHOW @ STANDUP NY COMEDY CLUB on WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 19th At 8:30 PM.

This show will be one of the best of the year featuring as always comedians from MTV, COMEDY CENTRAL, HBO, LETTERMAN, LAST CALL with CARSON DALY AND CONAN O"BRIEN.

BOB DIBUONO: MTV's "TRL", FOX'S "Red Eye", SPIKE TV, Jim Bruer Unleashed on Sirius Satellite Radio
http://bobdibuono.com/

KYLE GROOMS: Comedy Central Presents 1/2 Hour Special
http://www.kylegrooms.net/

CAROL MONTGOMERY: VH1, Comedy Central, Nick at Night
http://www.carolemontgomery.com/bio.html

MIKE DESTEFANO: Conan O"Brien, Comedy Central

http://www.puppiesandheroin.com/media

Please call and make a reservation at 212-595-0850

Admission is $15 per person with a two-drink mimimum. (I know it's a tad pricey. But hey, it will be fun???)

Very Important: Admission is to be paid in CASH at door only! Do NOT BUY tickets online or from STREET TEAMS - as this is a privately produced show and those TICKETS WILL NOT be accepted. When you check in the night of the show - please let the host know who you are coming to see on the show. This is crucial...you must let them know you came to see ME.

Even More Important: SEATING is at 7:30 PM sharp - This show will sell out!! (Or just make sure you are there by 8PM. You don't want to get turned away.)

STANDUP NY COMEDY CLUB is located on 78th and Broadway

And if you don't come, the least you could do is follow me on twitter but I'd rather you did both. Thanks!

http://twitter.com/jennakimjones

Love,

Jenna

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 8/17/09

2009-08-16T23:16:00.004-04:00

The KKKKKKK (How many Kardashian's are there?): The Kardashian's latest reality program, "Kourtney and Khloe take Miami," premiered last night. It was too much. Too much Khloe. Too much Kourtney. Too much skin, hair and whine. It totally ruined my appetite.

Perv-Stache: Michael Phelps grew a moustache and now he looks like a guy who spends a lot of time on myspace. He better be careful, that little bit of facial hair might slow him down, though I'm pretty sure it's fake because I don't think fish can grow hair.

Joe Jacked-up-on-crazy-son: First of all, let me say, Michael Jackson still hasn't been buried. They are waiting to put him in the ground on his 51st birthday. Why? Because the Jackson's are weird. Second, Joe Jackson is an idiot. Last week, Latoya Jackson may have mentioned something about taking Neverland to Las Vegas and making it a tourist attraction. Joe Jackson put those rumors to rest when he said that would not happen. He said quote, "How would they do that?" Joe isn't moving Neverland to Las Vegas because it would be weird or creepy or because they only want to remember Michael Jackson for his music and not for his love of little boys but because logistically, he doesn't see how it's possible. That man is so out of his mind. I can see his mind reeling, "How would they move it? Do you think they are going to move the land it's built on as well. How will they move Neverland Ranch, the entire piece of Santa Barbara county to another state? That just seems like it's impossible. You can't just move land. Or can you? How much money would it take and make...I wish Michael were here. I'd take out this confusion on his face."

No, You're Racist: Geico pulled advertising from the Glenn Beck show after Mr. Beck claimed that Obama is racist. Cavemen are now angry that Geico doesn't acknowledge Cavemen as a race because we all know Geico thinks cavemen are stupid and inferior. They've been saying it for years. ABC tried to make a sitcom out of it. The ad campaign will never end. Blah, blah, blah...cavemen, cavemen, cavemen.

And come on Glenn, really? Trust me, Obama isn't racist, he loves black people.

Love,

Jenna

Mid Week Pop Music Pick Me Up 8/12/09

2009-08-12T11:48:00.001-04:00

This week, I'm thrilled to talk about the Jonas Brothers of the 90's, the one, the only, Hanson!

The only major difference between The Jonas Brothers and Hanson are their jeans. The Jonas Brothers wouldn't be caught dead wearing in pants with that much sag. Check it out in the single that launched Hanson's career, Mmmbop!

Seriously, the Jonas Brothers should be grateful for these older brothers singing their prepubescent voices out. Unfortunately, Disney Channel wasn't obsessed with teenage pop stars like they are now and Hanson's career wasn't quite as domineering as the JoBros. Don't worry, they still sing together. Just a year ago, they were touring around the US, refusing to sing their hit Mmmbop. Fans were angry but hey, I get it. That song requires the vocal range of Whitney Houston before crack. Even the Chipmunks have a hard time. I know. Because they told me. Yeah, I'm friends with the Chipmunks. Jealous?

My favorite Hanson song? Well to be perfectly honest, I have only ever listened to about four of them. One of those four songs keeps popping up on my ipod and I catch myself tapping my toes and singing along. It's catchy, okay! Enjoy, This Time Around. (This song is obviously from one of their later albums because they are a little more grown up and like, uh, super hot.)

Here's what Hanson looks like this time around...

Mmmmmmbop! Am I right ladies?

Uh oh, I think I like Hanson again. They remind me of Jonathan Taylor Thomas which is NEVER a bad thing. What the heck happened to that boy?

Love,
Jenna

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 8/10/09

2009-08-10T01:33:00.004-04:00

Never trust your hair dresser: I went in for a trim and came out looking like Kate Gosselin. Now I know why she's always in such a bad mood.

Straight Up...or Down: Now that Paula Abdul is out of American Idol, Dancing with the Stars is trying to recruit her...to be a contestant...which might be pretty exciting considering she'll probably pass out more often than Marie Osmond. My only concern: she's so used to judging, she'll critique the judges critiques and by critique, of course, I mean incoherently comment on their wardrobe. I wonder how many years it took Paula to learn how to speak Crazy. I heard that Posh Spice is stepping in for Paula on American Idol? So basically, FOX still wanted crazy but they wanted crazy to come with an accent.

XOXO: Tyra and Hillary Duff have both been seen at different times on the set of Gossip Girl recently. I had no idea GG was THAT desperate. Who's next? Dustin Diamond? Donny Osmond? David Hasselhoff? Daisy from Daisy of Love? Gossip Girl, I feel like I don't even know you anymore!

Hurts So Good: Joe Jonas is single again. I'm going to use him to get closer to his younger brother, Nick. Just call me Jenna Cougar.

Love,
Jenna Jonas, I mean, Jones

Happy August?

2009-08-06T17:27:00.002-04:00

I'm sorry that I haven't blogged this week. Don't worry, I will make it up to you, I promise. Over the past few days, I've been overwhelmed, under the weather and to make it even worse, John Hughes passed away today.

John who, you say? John Hughes, the master writer and director of every good movies in the 80's, had a heart attack this morning. I am more upset by this than Michael Jackson's death.

He was such a great writer! And he made our childhood so much fun! Home Alone, The Breakfast Club, European Vacation, The Great Outdoors, Sixteen Candles, Mr. Mom. Dennis the Mennis??? Without that movie, I would never be able to look anyone in the eyes cross-eyed and say, "Uh Apple." (Only my family and a few friends will understand what I'm talking about unless you've seen the movie and already know the reference. If we ever meet or speak in person, I'll show you.)

Anyway, here are my favorite lines from the movie Uncle Buck in a scene between John Candy and Maculay Culkin:

Miles: Where do you live?
Buck: In the city.
Miles: You have a house?
Buck: Apartment.
Miles: Own or rent?
Buck: Rent.
Miles: What do you do for a living?
Buck: Lots of things.
Miles: Where's your office?
Buck: I don't have one.
Miles: How come?
Buck: I don't need one.
Miles: Where's your wife?
Buck: Don't have one.
Miles: How come?
Buck: It's a long story.
Miles: You have kids?
Buck: No I don't.
Miles: How come?
Buck: It's an even longer story.
Miles: Are you my Dad's brother?
Buck: What's your record for consecutive questions asked?
Miles: 38.
Buck: I'm your Dad's brother alright.
Miles: You have much more hair in your nose than my Dad.
Buck: How nice of you to notice.
Miles: I'm a kid - that's my job.

Amazing.

Thanks, John. I'm watching The Breakfast Club this weekend! Who's with me?!?

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes the President gets crunk...

2009-07-31T14:28:00.003-04:00

...with a professor and a cop! How's the hangover, Obama? Did you totally bro it out over some brewskies? You guys going biking next week? Maybe catch a game of bowling down in the basement of the White House? Shoot some hoops? Talk about your wives and their crazy PMS shenanigans? Smoke some weed?

Man, I wish I got to hang out with the president. Ah, racism, bringing people closer to the president one stupid arrest at a time.

It's been a weird race week. Glenn Beck claims Obama is racist. Obama is the middle man between the white cop and the black professor. I just found out I'm actually Korean and Jewish. Wait, that's not true.

Speaking of Jews (Did that sound racist?), last night, while waiting in line at The Shake Shack, a young female was standing in a little huddle with her friends when she said (and I promise she said this, I wrote it down): "I grew up a hippie Christian. For years, I wanted to be a pastor. But now I'm an Atheist Jew."

Whaaa? The world is one confusing place, I guess. Obama's bro-ing it out with two dudes who obviously don't like each other, someone in NYC actually thinks it's possible to be a Christian turned Jew who doesn't believe in God and I had to spend my entire week hearing about it. Thank goodness I'm so normal. I'm a normal joke telling lactose intolerant Mormon who hates feet and wants you to follow me on twitter just so I can have more followers than Larry King's wife. Totally normal.

And that is all I have to say, 4 realz.

Love,
Jenna

P.S. If you are in NYC and want to see me make a fool of myself, come watch me tell jokes tomorrow night, Saturday, August 1st (eek it's August!), 7 PM at Broadway Comedy Club (53rd b/t 8th and 9th afternoon). If I like you, know you and you think I'm funny, we can totally hang out after. If you can't come to my show, follow me on twitter. Do it! http://www.twitter.com/jennakimjones

FINALLY!

2009-07-29T12:31:00.002-04:00

I will be buying People Magazine this week.

I love the last line in the cover, "...what is really going on and what they think of each other now." Seeing as Screech the Creep was left out, I can imagine what they think of him.

Love,
Jenna

Mid Week Pop Music Pick Me Up 7/29/2009

2009-07-29T10:11:00.002-04:00

They're Back! They're Back! They're Back!

They reunite approximately every two years so they really don't get very far. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled every time they return. I'm just not surprised. To all those 13 year old girls out there, what The Jonas Brother mean to you, are exactly what the Backstreet Boys mean to me. I'll always love them.

Whatever, I'm normal.

Love,
Jenna

P.S. Yesterday, I met Spinal Tap. It was awesome! Those guys are hilarious. They appeared on TDS and I was able to speak with the band for a second backstage. What a day! Click here to watch!

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 7/27/09

2009-07-28T10:03:00.002-04:00

You're Too Ugly For My Ears: "Sarah Palin is only interesting because she's got sex appeal. America has never seen such an attractive female politician. In a few years, she won't be as attractive and we'll stop listening to her. " - some guy on CNN (I'm paraphrasing, of course.) Wait a minute, Americans only listen to attractive political female figures? Condi and Hillary and Madeline are flattered.

Heavily Armed Woman: Madonna has nasty arms. Apparently the rest of America discovered that this week, even though I've been talking about them for what seems like forever. Do you think she is training for something? Like J. Lo in Enough? Is she going after Guy Ritchie? Run, Guy, run! That movie not end well for the man.

Candy is good for you, finally: As you've probably heard, blue M&M's help cure AIDS. Oh wait, I'm sorry, I got that wrong. They can help with back problems? Sure. It's actually the blue dye that helps. So drink up the blue die and your back will feel brand new. Who cares that you'll turn bright blue like Violet in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? I mean, if you're cool with people asking, "Why so blue?" every four minutes, by all means, go for it. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Do you ever see a person and think they look smelly? That's how I feel about Anne Hathaway. And Matthew McCounaughey. Though we all know he smells because he lives outside, on purpose, and he refuses to wear deodorant. Who else smells? Monique probably smells like carbs. And Janice Dickenson smells like a hot glue gun. I bet Cameron Diaz's feet smell. Miley Cyrus smells annoying. And the Jonas Brothers smell like purity, chastity and fine, I'll stop. Oh I'm so mean today!

My newest nickname at work is Jenna Cakes. Does that make me sound fat?

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes youtube...

2009-07-27T13:54:00.002-04:00

...makes a comeback in my life. I haven't spent much time watching videos on youtube, except for Backstreet Boy's newest single, "Straight Through My Heart." OMG, I love them. Anyway, there have been a few videos that have gone "viral" or so they say, that I have enjoyed. I especially liked this one as I am a huge fan of all things literal. Check out this video of "Total Eclipse of the Heart." Whoever created this little gem, replaced the lyrics with a description of what is happening in this video, which if you remember, is super bizarro. I particularly love the part about Ninjas because we all know that I think Ninjas are hilarious and friggin' kool. For realz.

You should see the literal dance moves I came up with for the new boy band V-Factory's single, Love Struck. No really, you should.

Love,
Jenna

Mid Week Pop Music Pick Me Up 7/22/09

2009-07-22T11:14:00.002-04:00

Do you love white overalls? Yes, diggity! Then you'll love Blackstreet! I'm bringing them back, baby. And don't worry, if you don't like white overalls, they wear denim overalls too.

I heard this song the other night at dinner and found myself singing just about every line of the song. I didn't know I liked it so much!

Blackstreet is no Backstreet...they're much cooler. The group was formed in 1992 and since broke up, but I heard rumors that last year, they reunited and are working on another album. At least that's what Wikipedia told me.

No diggity doubt this song will be stuck in your head for the rest of the day.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes Nick Lachey...

2009-07-21T10:08:00.000-04:00

...is back on the market! This is my chance, ladies and gentlemen, to woo Nick Lachey into my life. But how? I thought you'd never ask!

First of all, let me just tell you that Jessica Simpson and I have all the right things in common and we all know that Jessica Simpson was his first love. J. Simpson and I are both:

1. "fat"
2. blonde
3. bad luck in the best way, of course
4. confused by "Chicken of the Sea"

Thankfully, I don't pretend to be as stupid as she is--she's a secret genius. Which I guess is just another thing she and I have in common, minus the secret. Everybody knows I'm genius or at least suspects it. It's natural.

So...Nick lives in NYC. I live in NYC. He likes sports. I would love to pretend to love sports. He likes girls. I'm happy he likes girls. Sure, he's 12 years older than me. And I may listen to Disney Channel stars when I'm not listening to his glorious voice but I'm like super duper mature for my age for sure.

We'll probably run into each other at Duane Reade and the rest will be history. Then I'll have to erase this post.

Whatever, I'm normal.

Love,
Jenna

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 7/20/09

2009-07-20T09:53:00.000-04:00

Obama's Got Talent: NBC bumped Obama's upcoming primetime broadcast for "America's Got Talent" featuring a special appearance from "Britain's Got Talent's" Susan Boyle. In a statement, NBC executives said, "Yeah, about that speech, Mr. President, you're kind of a downer and well, people would rather watch a dog play the nose flute. Plus we're more afraid of saying no to Susan Boyle." That's right, Britain's got opera singers and we've got dog's playing a flute with their nose. I personally think a cat playing the piano is more impressive than both.

That Model is Hilarious: Padma Lakshmi, a model, the host of "Top Chef," and "food expert" according to someone at Bravo, is getting her own sitcom. Her acting credits include a role in Mariah Carey's film, "Glitter" and pretending to eat on "Top Chef." Watch out Tina Fey!

Listen Up: My favorite girl pop group has arrived in the USA! Wonder Girls are now on tour with The Jonas Brothers, my other favorite girl group. They sing in Engrish!

Say What?: I heard that 30 Rock was nominated for 2,222 Emmys. And Jimmy Fallon wasn't nominated for any? Whaaaaa?

Love,
Jenna

The Newest Formerly-known-as-the-Ninja-Fund Dare

2009-07-16T12:28:00.002-04:00

Uh oh, I'm at it again! Food dare anyone? I'm looking to earn a little cash.

Formerly-known-as-the-Ninja-Fund Dare: Drink a cup of Fresca my niece washed her ketchup hot dog hands in for $4.00

Formerly-known-as-the-Ninja-Fund Total as of 7/16/09: $4.00

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes New Yorkers...

2009-07-16T10:30:00.002-04:00

...take to the streets. Ok, not sometimes, all the time. This city is all about pedestrians. Cars are too much of a pain. Paying for a parking spot costs half as much as it does to rent a place which is still more than what you pay anywhere but NYC, plus car insurance, etc. The transit system is pretty darn reliable. It can take you just about anywhere though I don't particularly love traveling underground. Whatever. That's not the point. The point is, pedestrians are King...or Queen...for you feminists out there. Blah.

New Yorkers know how to walk in NYC. Crossing the street quickly, efficiently and whenever we want is something we take pride in. Tourists completely give themselves away by obeying the crosswalk while the rest of us New Yorkers like to stick it to the little white man and walk when we're not supposed to. We're like deer. We wait until we see the car coming and bolt across the street.

I hate when I actually have to wait to cross the street and I turn and there's a jogger jogging in place next to me. Really? Really rubbin' it in, aren't you? Is it actually helping or are you just saying, "Oh, look at me, I'm healthy. I like to jog. Woooo." Settle down, I get it, you're skinny.

Of course, me and skinny pants are both waiting to cross the street six feet into the road already, forcing the cars to go around us. It's like Frogger in reverse. We go and the cars swerve. My favorite pedestrian move, and we all do this, is when a car is coming and we stick our hand up in the air like we're a friggin' Jedi or Superman or something. As if our hand has the power to put up an impenetrable force field that will stop the cab that is racing to get through the light and we've already decided their time is up and it's our turn to cross. It's a casual hand. Raised just high enough to catch the front bumper of the car before it hits us and high enough to infuriate every driver on the road.

Cars and taxis are one thing. They could hit you. But buses and bikes WILL hit you. Honestly, sometimes I think buses are actually looking for people to run over. And bikes, well, don't underestimate the power of the bike. And the power of a pedestrian who gets hit by a bike. Why? One day, I was sitting in a restaurant, eating, enjoying my meal, minding my own business when I look out the window and see a woman get hit by a bike. She and the cyclist both fell to the ground. The biker immediately got up, hopped back on his bike and tried to leave. The pedestrian jumped up, chased after the bike, caught up, pushed him over, sat on his bike and refused to move until the police and ambulance arrived. Of course, when the ambulance arrived, the woman totally milked it. Please, she wasn't hurt. But come on biker, hit and run? Someones an illegal alien.

As you all know, I'm from Utah. There are no pedestrians where I'm from except for one crazy homeless man that hangs out on various corners around the city. When I was a kid, I assumed everyone on the street was homeless. When I moved to NYC, I thought, man, there are a lot of homeless people here. Of course, I quickly realized that although most people might look a little dirty, rough around the edges and often times smell like BO, that's actually just the New York way of life. It toughens you up and leaves you with a city stank. I've actually been mistaken for a homeless person once. For realz. I already blogged about it so I'll spare you the details again but if you must know, click here. And as for the city stink, I recently visited Utah and when my niece walked in the door of my house, she said, "It smells like Jenna!" The stink is real...or my niece is a vampire.

Oh NYC, I've come to terms with the fact that I am yours and you are mine even though you smell like a homeless butt and I'm probably going leave this world like a squished bug on a windshield.

Love,
Jenna

Mid Week Pop Music Pick Me Up 7/15/09

2009-07-15T19:52:00.002-04:00

This week's pop group? O-TOWN!?!?!

O-Town was created by P. Diddy in the first season of MTV's hit show, Making The Band. They lasted a measly three years but spawned a lot of other awful pop music reality programs. Their first single, "Liquid Dreams" was absolutely charming. Oh wait, I didn't mean charming, I meant nasty trash. Yes, Liquid Dreams was nasty trash. But believe it or not, it wasn't as bad as their other single, "Every 6 Seconds". They wanted "All or Nothing." Obviously they were getting nothing. Diddy must have had them on a tight leash.

My favorite music video was "We Fit Together" because they were on a boat. For some reason, this song and the boat caught my attention. It's kind of ghetto and again, they sing about embarrassing things similar to the things they sing about in Liquid Dreams but like I said, they were on a boat. Enough said.

Their power ballad, "All or Nothing" uses classic boy band manipulation. You know, the ol' key change, emotionally draining harmonies, and an angst ridden love story. I won't lie. I kind of love it. So click here and enjoy. Dream of love lost and lost found. Think of that special someone. Remember the first time you saw this special someone and wanted to shout from the rooftops, "I'm in LOVE!" While you do that, I'm going to go barf.

Love,
Jenna

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 7/13/09

2009-07-13T17:24:00.000-04:00

Rumor Mill: My family thinks I'm a lesbian because I hang out with lesbians. It's not that I'm a lesbian, I just don't like hanging out with people who are prettier than me, I'm just sayin'! Oh, come on! Besides Ellen's wife, do you know any REAL lesbians who are pretty? Mischa Barton and Lindsay Lohan don't count. I said real. And no, Zac Efron is NOT a lesbian.

DUH!: Madonna is on steroids. So that explains the man arms. I blame A-Rod and the media and the King of Pop. As he became more and more feminine, Madonna felt the need to become more and more masculine. It only makes sense. The Queen of Pop was worried that her reign was being threatened. Do you think the Queen of England is bothered when people call themselves Queen of _____?

JON & The New KATE: Jon, the less charismatic half of the wildly popular only because they couldn't keep it in their pants Jon and Kate parents of 8, is now dating Kate's Plastic Surgeon's daughter. She's 22. And she wants kids. And a reality TV show. Oh Jon, you'll never learn.

MJ4EVR: It's almost been a week since the memorial but donations are still being accepted from fans of Michael Jackson in order to help pay for the memorial expenses. Please send any donations to me as I have graciously offered to collect them.

Jenna Kim Jones
New York City
10019

Don't worry, the Post Master knows where to find me.

Remember, it's Bastille Day so don't forget to eat a crepe! Mais oui!

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes the party is over...

2009-07-13T09:45:00.003-04:00

...and I'm back to work! Yikes! I'm back in NYC, folks. Can you feel it?

I had quite a week in Utah which culminated with four awesome shows at Wise Guys Comedy Club in Salt Lake City. First, I want to say thanks to everyone who came out and saw the show. Second, I want to say thanks to the fantastic comedians at Wise Guys. Keith Stubbs is hilarious! And be sure to check out Spencer King who is headlining at Trolley Square next weekend. He is friggin' funny. That's right, friggin.

Vacation is over and now like I said, I'm back in good ol' NYC. I flew in on the red eye this morning which only reminds me how much I hate flying, let alone flying all night long. So of course, I have a few complaints. Here we go....go.......go.............

How desperate do airlines have to get? It's really pathetic. It's like a girlfriend who gets dumped and then begs for her boyfriend to come back only making her appear more clingy and irritating than ever before. Airlines who are obviously in financial trouble, should be begging for our service and yet they keep making it harder and harder for us to take them back. First, they take away our second bag, then some airlines charge to check a first bag. Then they take away food and leave us with off-brand snacks and one cup, not even the can, of soda. Let me tell you, I'm fine with losing those things. I can handle it. One bag forces me to pack more carefully and airplane food was about as delicious as the plastic food set I gave to my niece for Christmas last year. But did you know, that Jet Blue now charges $7 for a blanket? Airplanes are cold! I was wearing a sweatshirt and jeans and shivered. Shivered me timbers all night long because I was not about to pay $7 for a blanket with so much static, I wouldn't be able to touch a light switch for a week without getting shocked. It's like 4 degrees at 30,000 feet and it felt like someone had cracked a window. I could have taken glamor shots, there was so much wind on that plane. At the end of the flight, the attendants handed out a "hot" towel which was actually a baby wipe that was put in the microwave for no more than ten seconds.

Of course, this is all some lame ploy to get us to buy their blankets but I was not going to fall for it. It was the first time I was grateful to be sitting by a fat person. I just snuggled up to one of his rolls. Or was he snuggling up to mine? Whatever. $7 for a blanket? I could buy a house in Mexico for $7. I could sew 400 blankets in China with $7 and I'm sure they would be nicer than the $7 rip off that flight attendant tried to sell to me. Unfortunately, I'd have to fly to China in order to make those blankets and I might die of pneumonia before I get there but if I did make it, I'd be a friggin' hero. I'm surprised the flight attendant didn't ask me to donate money to MJ's memorial while she was at it. Hey Obama, could we include a little extra stimulus money for airplane blankets? You know what's even more annoying? People who fly first class. They probably have down comforters up there with their bubbly and fine cheeses. Whatever. I'll stick with my cheese crackers shaped like whales and a cup of diet coke.

Blanket revolution! Who's with me?!?!

I'm so over this post, like I'm over MJ's death. Snap! How 'bout that Sarah Palin, huh, quittin' and stuff? And I see Obama's a butt man. What else happened while I wasn't paying attention to the world? I'm about to find out.

Peace out, blogtards. This feels right, don't you think? Yeah, you know you're happy I'm back.

Love,
Jenna

I'm still in Utah...

2009-07-08T23:01:00.003-04:00

...and haven't been this out of touch for a while. It's kind of great. Except I miss you tonz, duh.

Anyway...

It's a crazy stand up weekend.

Come watch me tell jokes this Friday and Saturday!

For all of the deetz, click here.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I go on vacation...

2009-07-07T11:58:00.002-04:00

...give me a break!

That's right, I'm in Utah soooo I've been a little lazy about blogging. If you forgive me, I won't call you a nerd for at least a week. But maybe I'll try to blog at some point this week.

In the meantime, watch the news. OH wait, the news is ONLY showing Michael Jackson Memorial coverage. I am bored. Remember when Iran was having a revolution last week? Yeah, I'd like to hear about that. That seems important. Oh and remember when North Korea fired off a bunch of missiles last weekend? I do but CNN doesn't. Michael is dead but his music will live on forever and forever, blah, blah, blah, MOVE ON.

Love,
Jenna

2009-07-02T21:30:00.001-04:00

So sometimes I dont recognize people from high school. That guy in the Disneyland proposal went to my high school. THE WHOLE THING WAS A SETUP. He was acting.

Sometimes...wow...

2009-07-02T15:50:00.004-04:00

...that's all I can say. Click on the link to watch a video that is either really lame or really cool. It really just depends on you. In my opinion, it's really fake.

Doesn't This Only Happen In Movies?

Shared via AddThis

Kevin Jonas, the oldest of Disney's very own Jonas Brothers recently got engaged. I showed this clip to my coworker and her first reaction was, "Wow, he's really outshining Kevin Jonas." So true, Kevin. You got served.

Love,
Jenna

Mid Week Pop Music Pick Me Up 7/1/09

2009-07-01T14:20:00.003-04:00

It's shocking that a boy band this good wasn't organized by Simon Cowell. When I was 13, these four British beaus serenaded me through a long awkward summer. Not only were the boys of BBMak my summer loves but when they made an appearance on, what I still consider to be the greatest Disney television show ever, Even Stevens, I fell in love. I downplayed my feelings for these lovely men of Liverpool because I worried that if I fanned these love flames, those feelings could exceed those of my beloved Backstreet Boys.

Until now, I never questioned their band name (though I just realized how feminine the name actually sounds. Keep in mind, they're European.) There are three members of BBMak: Mark Barry, Christian Burns and Stephen McNally. Get it?

Most of BBMak's songs sound exactly the same but their good looks make up for the lacking melodies. Yes, they are hot. Not only do they sound the same, they all kind of look the same too. But again like I said, they are very attractive so when you watch their music videos, you never have the "Joey" moment. You know, the few times in an NSYNC video where they give Joey camera time. Ew. With BBMak, it's all cute all the time. Did I mention they're adorable? Because they are. Seriously, BBMak withstood the test of time. No overalls, no hoop earrings, no long hair or braided hair, no baggy clothing. These guys were ahead of their time.

Enjoy their song, "Back Here"

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I take a trip...

2009-06-30T14:02:00.002-04:00

...to Utah to

1. celebrate America
2. see my family
3. perform stand up comedy at Wise Guys Comedy Club

Seriously, Utah, I'm on my way. And while I'm visiting, Wise Guys Comedy Club has been so kind as to let me perform July 10th and 11th at their Trolley Square location in Salt Lake City. More details to come but until then, you'd better mark your calendars because you now have hilarious plans with me.

Love,
Jenna

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 6/29/09

2009-06-29T15:47:00.004-04:00

Let's Review - What a week! So many different kinds of people died. A super hot model/actress, a noseless king, a legendary voice and that guy who shouted at me when I was half asleep in front of the television. And of course, Jeff Goldblum. Yikes. What's going on?

I Can't Hear You - Do as I'm doing and ignore the fact that another plane crashed in the Ocean last night. I'm flying this weekend. Thankfully over no oceans. I really don't want want to crash, it's so cliche these days. And can you imagine crashing in Oklahoma? Gross.

Life's a B.... - Madoff is in prison for 150 years or 21 dogs years. Time sounds better in dog years. Not that I feel bad for him. The real victim here is his wife who now because of her husband's wrong doings has to sell her $50,000 fur. I'm not sure how she'll be able to forgive him. You can find the fur on e-bay. The current bid is $4.50.

Dude, Really? - Simon Cowell wants up to $144 million a year to judge American Idol contestants. So do I but it ain't never gonna happen. Come on Simon, really? That seems a little excessive. What are you going to do with all that money? Unless you need the money to create Spice Girls the Next Generation, Five II and get a little surgery to fix the man boobs, I think you can afford to take a hit in your salary. Actually, Simon recently said that he would negotiate for about $75 million a year as long as he recieved a lifetime supply of Hanes deep v-neck t-shirts size tight.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes a legend dies...

2009-06-26T15:20:00.003-04:00

...goodbye Jeff Goldblum. We'll miss you.

Ok, ok, Jeff Goldblum is still alive BUT that was, what I thought, an hilarious Twitter rumor started yesterday after MJ passed.

Just in case you missed it...

MICHAEL JACKSON is DEAD.

Mark Sanford is lucky because no one cares about him anymore. And poor Farrah Fawcett has been upstaged by Jacko. You think he could have waited and died a few days later. RUDE.

Do you think Michael will come back to life in time for his concerts in London? I sure hope so.

Anyway, I ran out of time to write today and I am about to leave work and I really just want to go home and watch a movie because the weather is a total beeeeeyotch.

I love you guys. Really. I do. Stay you.

Love,
Jenna

Mid Week Pop Music Pick Me Up 6/24/09

2009-06-24T20:37:00.005-04:00

Somethings tells me this group is from Sweden.

Why? Sweden loves Abba and this pop group loves singing Abba songs. "A"*Teens...Abba Teens...get it? Their first album was dedicated to Abba remakes. Though the only scene when you might listen to their version of "Mama Mia" would involve DDR or an old Now That's What I Call Music CD at a sleepover when you were 12. Or maybe that's just me.

Eventually the group branched out and sang a few of their own songs as well which is actually when those of us who watched Disney Channel growing up were introduced to their song, "Upside Down." It's my personal favorite. Any song that references dancing on the ceiling (thanks Lionel) is a personal favorite.

Oh Sweden and your glorious pop. Abba, A*Teens, Ace of Base. They're obsessed with the two boy, two girl combination. To each Country his own. Americans love a pop group that consists of five boys or five girls. Mess with that winning format and you will never reach the top of the pop group list. Why do you think 98 Degrees failed to keep up with NSYNC or Backstreet Boys? They needed that extra member to complete the perfect five part harmony and the classic "'V" dance formation. Duh.

Enjoy A*Teens. They broke up years ago so their few songs are all we have left.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes only YOU...

2009-06-23T15:31:00.001-04:00

...can make comedy happen. That's right folks, I need your help again. I have a show on July 16th and once again, if you don't come, I don't get any stage time.

So e-mail me at jenna@jennakimjones.com to let me know that you are coming to my show. The last time I performed at this club, it was packed and people were turned away so please make your reservations ASAP and remember to arrive early or you won't get in! The details are below!

Super Ego Comedy Showcase!
New York Comedy Club (241 East 24th b/t 2nd and 3rd)
Thursday July 16 9:00 PM
$10 cover ($8 w/ Student ID) + 2 drink minimum
Please e-mail me for a reservation ASAP (jenna@jennakimjones.com)

I know it's on a Thursday but don't be lame...it's the summer...you can handle starting your weekend a little early. It will be fun. Super fun.

Love,
Jenna

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 6/22/09

2009-06-22T14:11:00.003-04:00

BABY GOT BACK: The more bounce in your booty, the more jiggle in your wiggle, the more junk in your trunk: THE LONGER YOU LIVE and you're probably one of those rap guy's girlfriend. According to a study done up in "Canada" (keep reading...you'll like Canada after this) carrying a few extra pounds around i.e. being a little "chubby" adds years to your life. If you love life, which you obviously do if you are already chubby, then stay chubby and you might get to enjoy it a little longer with your best friend cheesecake and his much different and equally delicious cousin cheese fries. No wonder skinny people are so miserable. They have no fatty food friends. After reading this study, Hollywood Celebrities are going on strike until they are allowed to eat again which seems weird to me because I'm pretty sure once you reach FAME, you're going to live forever.

NOW HIRING CELIBACY: Get paid to NOT have sex without becoming a Nun! In Greensboro, North Carolina, teenage girls are being paid to NOT get pregnant. Seriously. Every day you don't get pregnant, you get $1.00. Good for you! You didn't have sex and get pregnant! The money goes into an interest-bearing college fund that the winners collect if they don't have a baby when they graduate from high school. However, if you and whoever can't keep your clothes on you get pregnant, not only will your hard earned money be divided evenly among the other ladies but you will also be silently judged. If you drop out of high school completely, you actually have to pay $1.00 for every day you missed because you were with child. How 'bout them apples? If you are interested in earning $1.00 a day and you live in North Carolina and would like more information click here.

When you become a politician and you sneak away on a cruise with your girlfriend, don't come back. We're over it.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I wonder if my dentist...

2009-06-19T11:02:00.004-04:00

...thinks before he speaks.

My dentist in Utah still thinks I'm 14 which is fine, whatever. He's as weird as you'd expect any dentist to be. Perhaps some of you or your parents are dentists. That's great but I never met a dentist who isn't a little bizarro. I think it's all vacation time they get. Dentists are just too relaxed.

Well I thought my old dentist was a goof until I met Dr. Whateveryournameis (I really can't remember his name because even when I was staring at his name tag, I wasn't sure how to even begin to pronounce it) this morning at 8 AM. Because it was my first visit, my dentist wanted to perform my teeth cleaning personally so he could "get to know my mouth." Is that harassment? I can't decide but I'm leaning towards yes. He looked in my mouth, poked at my teeth and gums and then started to feel up my jaw. He was rubbing both sides of my face when he asked, "Have you always had such a strong jaw and such round cheeks?"

Oh dear. I couldn't help what happened next...the words just spewed from my mouth.

You know, Dr. Skelfhsiekbwei, my jaw wasn't always this strong but after years of what I call, stuffing-my-face-strength-training, I'm finally starting to see results. Thankfully, I've got these round cheeks from all that eating to support the strong jaw you've been massaging. Come on, really? Now even my jaw is fat? Listen up, dentist man, I'm big bone. Give me a break, I grew up in a big, strong and...big family. If you wanted to eat, you had to fight for your food and if you didn't end a meal sweaty, you weren't going to survive. So maybe, just maybe, all the chewing strengthened my jaw. And as for my chubby cheeks, well, maybe I retain a lot of water...or I'm tubby. I don't know. You tell me, you're the "doctor."

I sure told him. Okay fine, in reality, I said nothing because my teeth were covered in polish (which, by the way, is never thoroughly rinsed out leaving me with gritty mouth) and there was a hose sucking up any and all moisture in my mouth (I think my tongue started to shrivel up at one point).

Whatever. I like my jaw. And actually, I kind of liked the dentist. He didn't mess around, he's going to fix my teeth, and he takes my insurance. So basically, he's the man and he's going to get to know my mouth whether he likes it or not. Though from the way he was feeling up my jaw, I think he kind of liked it.

Love,
Jenna, the Beached Whale

Mid Week Pop Music Pick Me Up 6/17/09

2009-06-17T10:22:00.003-04:00

I know I promised a little Aaron Carter but I've been thinkin' (more like dreamin') about these guyz the last few days.

The one on the left is my favorite.

These are the baddest (perhaps in more ways than one if you're a hater) white boyz of boy band music history. Ok they're at least in the top five. But seriously, these guys take boy bands to a whole new level with their exaggerated attempt to look and sound like they can rap.

5ive was created by Simon Cowell which only confirms that the man really is the genius he makes us all believe he is. And that genius totally makes up for his man boobs.

I've blogged this story before but I have to tell it once more. When I was young, like 10, 11, maybe 12, I bought 5ive's single, "Baby When the Lights Go Out" and listened to it secretly in my room because I didn't want my mom to know I was listening to such a scandalous song.

Click here if you want to see these British beaus sing about turning the lights off in a bowling alley with some super rockin' chicks. Boy bands love bowling. I love bowling. We should totally hang out.

Honestly, I didn't know that 5ive released any other songs in the US after "Baby When The Lights Go Out," because it was at that point in my life when I discovered the Backstreet Boys. So I just discovered the next two songs as well.

Follow this link for "Everybody Get Up." Best line of the chorus: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5ive will make you get down now." Get it? It's clever because they are counting to five but the name of their group is also 5ive.

Another one of their winning singles? "Slam Dunk Da Funk." That's right ladies, Zac Efron wasn't the first heartthrob to play basketball and dance. Do you want to get down? Do you want to get funky? Slam Dunk da Funk and click here.

My conclusion: 5ive is obsessed with getting down though I'm not sure they even know what that means.

Love,
Jenna

This new weekly post is completely self indulgent. I love it.

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 6/15/09

2009-06-15T22:12:00.002-04:00

You Must Be Joking - Tyra Banks has a boyfriend. Heidi Montag Pratt thinks she is a modern day Mother Teresa. And Katie Holmes Cruise is performing a dance routine on So You Think You Can Dance on July 8th. Though these are not rumors, these facts make me feel weird.

Rihanna 2.0 - Chris Brown is dating a girl who looks exactly like Rihanna. She too is a singer whose latest album is called, "-ella, -ella, -ella," with hits like, "Cinderella," "Big Fella," and "What's up, Stella." I'm going to write a song for her called, "Run The Hellaway" and in the music video, she will dance around in point shoes with an umbrella and not get beat up by Chris Brown. (Silly, rich, pathetic boy. I wish I didn't love his music so much.)

Good View - The "women" of The View made Heidi and Spencer Pratt look as stupid as they actually are (not that they don't already do that; they were just actually called out on their inane behavior) on TV the other day. It was the most refreshing thing I've seen on that show since...never. I almost liked Joy. If you want to watch it, click here.

Phew - You can relax, Shia LeBeouf didn't say anything creepy about his mother last week. But there's always this week. I wonder if I'm anything like his mother. Yep, you can always count on me to say something creepy this week.

Boozin' It Up - The Hangover was the #1 movie again this weekend only because people couldn't remember that they had already seen it thanks to the wild partying they did after they saw it the first time. I call it The Hangover hangover.

It's a weak week, I know. Whatever, I'm JK.

U r totes def m'fav.

Love,

Jenna

Sometimes secrets...

2009-06-11T17:28:00.003-04:00

...are just too good to keep.

The Jonas Brothers are having a FREE secret concert tonight at Irving Plaza in Union Square. So if you love being around high pitched screaming or you have a thing for tweens in tight jeans, come on down for a rockin' night. Apparently there are already 500 people on line so make sure you wear a helmet and bring a knife.

For more details, click here.

Love,
Jenna

Mid Week Pop Music Pick Me Up 6/10/09

2009-06-10T14:36:00.005-04:00

Sometimes girl pop groups sounds like chipmunks. And in this week's Pop Music Pick Me Up, I'm highlighting a little group called, Play, who could very easily rival Alvin and his possy. Play released a couple of songs in the late 90's and early 00's but they were never quite as successful at Diddy's group, Dream, which is probably one of my favorite girl group sensations besides The Spice Girls. (If you are following anything I'm saying, you either watched a lot of Disney Channel as a kid or you are a perv because I'm pretty sure these ladies are still underage.) Their dancing is weak but their crimped hair makes up for it. Duh. Please enjoy the evolution of Play...

The first song is sweet, innocent, charming, naive.

Then the vices of the world force these ladies to walk the "edgy" line.

And when edgy didn't work, they disappeared.

If I were going to start a pop group, I would call it, "A-Sass." The girls would be forced to use sassy names that end in the letter "A" like, Lisa, Monica, Dana, and of course, Jenna. (Obviously, I'd be the star.) Our first single would be called, "Sassy Girl" and in every song after that, we'd mention "the love doctor" who would be a recurring character in our music videos played by Enrique Iglesias. Though I'm going to need Timbaland or Timberland to back me up if we want to be legit.

Get ready for next week's pop music pick me up. I'm thinking, Aaron Carter. I've got more than a few words to say about that kid.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes dreams...

2009-06-09T13:50:00.003-04:00

...do come true. Watching this made me feel all silly like a little girl again. I'm still blushing. Man, I love(d) Zach Morris.

Love,
Jenna

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 6/8/09

2009-06-08T17:46:00.000-04:00

OUCH! - Sonia Sotomayor fractured her ankle when she "tripped" in the La Guardia airport. More like slipped on a banana peel, if you ask me. I smell foul play. Sounds like the Janitor "forgot" to put the yellow slippery when wet cone on the slippery wet floor. VERY suspicious...

Baby Mama - Madonna is adopting a present for her new 23 year old boyfriend and it's not a puppy. Courts in Malawi are allowing her to adopt another child. Why? Madonna beat the entire government in an arm wrestling championship.

Takin' It Easy - Apparently, Vancouver is the easiest city to live in the world. Followed by cities in Australia, Thailand, New Zealand, Switzerland, pretty much everywhere in the world except New York City, which was found no where on the list, giving me one more excuse to complain about my life. Booyah.

Love Lost - My best friend Miley broke up with her old yuckie boyfriend. Although she's sad, she said to me earlier when we were g-face-twitter-chatter-blogging, "I'm like sad but whatever, you know? We are just going to focus on our own stuff and like maybe we can talk and stuff. It's not like we're going to stop following each other on twitter or something. I mean, we're not in high school, well, I mean, I should be but like whatever. My daddy teaches me everything I need to know anyway."

I'm JK and it was quite a b-day. I think a special thank you is in order!

Love,

Jenna

Thanks, Chuck.

2009-06-08T15:44:00.001-04:00

I was awkward growing up. Get over it. At least my family loves me. Thanks for the awesome Birthday gift, Janae and Chuck. I love you guys.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes birthdays are shared...

2009-06-08T10:46:00.002-04:00

...with friends you never knew you had. Today is my birthday but I'd like to say Happy Birthday to a few others who are lucky enough to celebrate on this very important day with me.

Kanye, Madame Joan Rivers, Jerry Stiller, I just want to say, Happy Birthday! Thanks for being alive all these years. You are the best possy a girl could ask for. We'll be clebrating, me and my besties, the four musketeers, later tonight at our favorite classy Italian place, maybe you've heard of it, The Olive Garden in Times Square. Unlimited salad and breadsticks for $5.99? That's a birthday present in itself.

I can't believe I'm 32. Wait, that's not right, I meant 23. For some reason, the number 23 (gross) rubs me the wrong way so we'll just have to wait and see what this year has in store for me. If you have any presents you want to get rid of, I'll take them.

Love,
Jenna

Want to know a little bit more about me?

2009-06-05T12:02:00.004-04:00

Here is your chance.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I think about...

2009-06-03T22:08:00.005-04:00

...what it might be like to be pregnant. Let me tell you, it is GREAT first date conversation.

My sister recently had her second child but while she was still pregnant, a stranger standing in line with her at the GAP, struck up a conversation and proceeded to feel up my sister's belly.* Why do people think it's okay to grope a pregnant woman? When I'm pregnant, I'm going to give unsolicited commentary about other people's most obvious physical traits. That's right, baldy! Oh hey, what's up, clown feet! Look, it's Toucan Sam!

Do these belly rubbers think that the pregnant woman hasn't noticed? "Um, ma'am, I think you might be pregnant." Thank you Dr. Stupid, I'm sure she had no idea why her stomach was enormous, HUGE, like a ginormous grapefruit. (I really know how to be sensitive.)

Have you ever met a pregnant woman? They are emotional. I walked in on my sister crying during an episode of Scrubs. She looked at me, threw the remote in my direction and said, "It's just so sad!"* With that in mind, do you really need to point out the fact that their stomachs are exploding? You might as well just say, "From the looks of that stomach, you've probably gained 40 pounds! Are you sure there aren't two or three babies in there?"

Maybe you don't realize she's pregnant? Maybe you think she's playing a game called, "Guess what I'm hiding under my shirt?" A bowling ball? A giant magic eight ball? You can't shake her stomach when you have a question and receive an answer via bellybutton. "Ask again later! Could you meet me here later? I really need an answer."

Her belly won't bring you good luck. If you rub it, a blue Robin Williams genie will not pop out singing catchy songs and grant you three wishes.

Don't worry, frienemies, I'm guilty of rubbing a few tummies in my day.

Jenna: "What is this, a tumor?"
Pregnant Austrian Tourist: It's not a tumor!

Someday I might be a mother and I'll look down at my pregnant belly and think that in just a few years, my son will be sitting on the couch farting the national anthem, eating a Baconnaise sandwich. (If I set my expectations low, my future children just might exceed them.)

Until then, hanging out with pregnant ladies is exhausting. You can't let her do anything in public or people think you are a big jerk. I have to carry bags, open doors, tell her she looks SO skinny in a dress that you can barely tell she's 8 months pregnant with twins. Sound familiar boys? After spending a day with a pregnant woman, I have a whole new appreciation and empathy for my future husband, Shia...OR Zac.

Why do I have so much to say about pregnancy? Well I have 3 brothers, 2 sisters, 2 half brothers, 5 nieces and 2 nephews. Get my drift? But no I will not be adding to those stats...not for a long while. Yikes!

Love,
Jenna

*Story may or may not be made up for comedic purposes. Just keep on reading, sugarlips.

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 6/1/09

2009-06-01T10:41:00.002-04:00

June is busting out all over! Are you? Pants a little tight? Thank goodness National Hamburger Month is over, am I right, carnivores?

This Just In: The band Sugar Ray (I know you remember those guys) has officially been banned from the Radio forever. For years, Sugar Ray's deal with the devil has given their music thousands of hours of air time but as of midnight last night, the contract was up and the devil wasn't interested in a renegotiation. The Radio DJ Association is thrilled saying in a press release, "Their lame wanna be pop punk music of the 90's has haunted our lives, polluted our brains and caused 3-4 car pile ups on highways for too many years." I, too, am absolutely relieved. I nearly ran over someone in Utah last week when I heard, "I just wanna fly..."

Totally Delicious Diet: Tori Spelling makes her own baby food. But it's not for her kids. It's her new diet called BF&O which stands for Baby Food and Oxygen. You can probably guess, the diet consists of generous portions of baby food and oxygen. It totally works except her head seems to be getting bigger, which is weird.

Fight: Pink and Kanye's feud ended in a knife fight today. Pink won. Duh.

Vampires are so hot right now: The MTV Movie Awards were last weekend. Twilight beat Slumdog Millionaire for best film proving that MTV is a 14 year old girl.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I celebrate...

2009-05-29T21:38:00.003-04:00

...my birthday a little early. Get over it. For my early birthday celebration, I made this:

Jealous? I would be. Get over it.

Happy Birthday to me (in two weeks)! Don't worry, I'll remind you again.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I love...

2009-05-26T02:54:00.001-04:00

...Utah. Guess what? I'm in Utah, one of the more beautiful places on earth, spending time with my Mom and a few of my siblings for the week having a GREAT time. Yes, New Yorkers, that's exactly why the city hasn't felt the same the last few days. My absence has left a void in your hearts and I know the sailors are mighty disappointed. Sorry? Honestly, not really.

Don't worry, I'll try to keep blogging. And twittering. And thinking of you. Until then, be good and eat a lot.

Love,

Jenna

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 5/25/09

2009-05-25T17:12:00.000-04:00

Happy Memorial Day! A big loud shout out to all those who have served our lovely country! We are grateful for you! (But listen, Sailors, I know it's fleet week. You are out on the prowl and though I am incredibly impressed that you keep those white suits pristine in a city as filthy as New York City, I'm just not THAT into you. Grateful for you, yes. But no, I will not make out with you.)

In other news...

Really?: Lady Gaga said, "I like boys that look like girls." So...you're a lesbian. No? Fine, write a song about these fem-boys. G-g-g-g-girly boys/ I like girly boys/G-girly boys

Yikes: Jon & Kate aren't doing so great. Why even bother with a season five that premieres tonight on TLC? Because TLC will have its highest ratings ever...EVER. Seems weird, I thought Baby Story was their highest rated show. It's kind of crazy they show child birth on television. It isn't for the faint of heart. Is that some kind of twisted birth control tactic?

Beware: You're worried about swine flu? A friend of mine recently travelled to Mexico, ordered a Gatorade and got gator-aids.

FYI: Miley Cyrus is still weird. Still so weird. I follow her on twitter. Oh no, now I'm weird. I should have NEVER admitted that. Oh well, I'm JK. (But you really can totally follow me on twitter: http://twitter.com/jennakimjones) Peace out!

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes CNN says....

2009-05-22T14:55:00.004-04:00

...tinkling. (Go ahead, giggle.)

Thanks to my friend Adam, I have this picture to share with you. For a tickle that makes you tinkle, please read the update at the bottom of the screen.

Disgust and discomfort? For who? The tinkler? Or everyone else in the pool? I'd say both. I have never said tinkle or tinkling so many times in my life. And I've NEVER said tinkler although I think I like that form of the word the best.

CNN: reporting the truth on both sides, no matter how silly it may be, one day at a time.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes you just have to sit back...

2009-05-20T00:26:00.004-04:00

...and ask yourself, "Why?"

Why?

Who cares why! Go ahead, watch it again. I know you want to. I want to.

Love,

Jenna

Sometimes America...

2009-05-19T13:00:00.003-04:00

...gets it all wrong.

Have any of you stopped to wonder why American Airlines has the smallest airplane seats ever? Uh, we're American. I don't know if you know this but we sell cheese stuffed bread bowls with pasta and cheese baked on top. Yes, we do. We call is a well rounded dinner and we try to blame it on/give credit to Italians.

What I'm saying is, we're not exactly dainty. (For more nasty food, check this out.)

We're all in denial. Just because the tag on your jeans says size 4, doesn't mean you should pour yourself into them. It's uncomfortable for everyone. I'm thinking of ALL of us.

Dear Americans,

You are "bigger boned" than most other nationalities so would someone please write a letter to American Airlines and let them know they need to let their seats out and adjust accordingly to our "growing" population already! And yes, you look a little chubby in that tube top.

Love,

Jenna

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 5/18/09

2009-05-18T11:38:00.002-04:00

Order a Bride and Receive Free Shipping TODAY ONLY: Recently, while speaking about his love life, Alec Baldwin said that he, "was thinking about getting a Filipino mail order bride at this point...or a Russian one." Well apparently they read perezhilton.com over there in the Philippines, know who Alec Baldwin is and actually care what he has to say. That's right, the Filipinos are up in arms! It's like Alec doesn't know that mail order brides haven't been a legal practice there for years. Oh they've never been legal? Are you sure about that? Duh! Russia, on the other hand, doesn't seem too upset by the comment. In fact, they've already sent over three ladies for Alec to choose from. The only catch is that Alec and Anastasiya or Vladlena or Inga have to give their first born daughter back to Russia. The Russian Olympic Committee is sure they'll get a good gymnast out of this match. Honestly, it's probably a good deal for Alec as he's not really that fond of the "thoughtless little pig" daughters he already has.

Money Changes Everything: There is still a reason for douche bags/college frat boys/nerds to become investment bankers. Tim Geithner said that he has no plans to put a cap on executives salaries. One banker said that with a giant salary, he'll still have a chance to get a girlfriend and keep her even though he'll only see her for an hour every other week in between blackberry e-mailing. As long as he keeps on working and more importantly, spending. And yes, girls are shallow and the only reason people work in finance is to make a buttload of cash. Duh. (I know how to make friends, don't I?)

Who is Gossip Girl?: She isn't a girl after all. She's a woman playing a man dressed as a girl living in Ohio. I smell an Emmy. Ok fine. Gossip Girl is...YOUR MOM. She reads your journal every night and stays up texting all your friends about it. Duh.

Duh: I'm into "duh" right now because I want someone to punch me in the face.

I rediscovered the one and only 'NSYNC song that I love today: "Tearin' Up My Heart." It's almost as good as the Backstreet Boys singing, "I Want It That Way." Almost.

Duh.

Love,

Jenna

Sometimes you smoke enough pot...

2009-05-15T12:03:00.010-04:00

...and you look like this guy:

After being suspended from swim meets the last three months for lighting up, "Fish Feet Phelps" is BACK in ACTION! He swam his first race this morning and of course he totally won...2nd place. 2nd place is still winning, right? No? Are you sure? Maybe 2nd is the new 1st? Did you say "hell" no? Wow, settle down.

Fine, I'll face the fact: Michael Phelps got 2nd place.

Don't believe me? Read it for yourself.

What a loser!

OK FINE, you're right, I'll face this fact too: I'd date him. (Who wouldn't? Look at that...uh...he's rich, right?)

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes an invasion of my privacy comes...

2009-05-13T12:01:00.006-04:00

...in the form of my ipod in your hands.

There is nothing more humiliating (alright, I could probably think of a few things) than having your ipod striped from your hands and placed in the hands of an evil non Backstreet Boy loving judgmental music Nazi or pretty much anyone else for that matter. It's like taking a baby from a mother, candy from a child, Sunchips from a 22 year old fake blond, high heels from Posh Spice, a meatball sub from J. Simpson, a spray tan from the Housewives of New Jersey. Looking through someone else's ipod playlists is like reading their diary, searching through their underwear drawer or walking in on them dancing in a pair of the underwear you already searched through while they're singing and dancing to the Pussycat Doll's version of the song Jai Ho only to record a clip of the personal and private performance on your camcorder cell phone so you can post it on facebook. And no, that didn't happen to me, though it does sound like something I might be a part of not to mention a great commercial for Hanes.

Here are a few things people might say when looking through an ipod that isn't their own (tisk tisk):

You have Paris Hilton and K-Fed's entire albums? I thought that was an elaborate joke.

Wait a minute, your top 5 songs alternate between Air Supply, Phil Collins and John Oates (minus Hall) . Lonely much?

-Cher? Really? Dude, that's so gay.
-Well, actually, I've been meaning to talk to you.

My family tried to host an intervention when they found out I'd been listening to an Uncle Kracker song. I swear, I'm not on meth.

I see that "She Bangs" is on your "purchased" playlist. You may as well have wiped your butt with the $1.00 you spent on that song.

It says here, you've listened to Clay Aiken's song, "Invisible," 327 times. Wow. Let's see, if that song is 4 minutes long, according to my calculations, not only have you spent more time listening to Clay Aiken than he's been out of the closet but you are...much weirder than I initially anticipated and when I say weird, I mean it in the creepiest sense of the word. "If I were invisible, then I would just watch you in your room..." Seriously? What is wrong with you!

Dashboard is lying to you: she doesn't love you and she'll never call you back.

Eddie Murphy tried to be a pop star in the 80's? Awkward.

You know that you can't really dance on the ceiling, right?

Why do you have playlist full of sappy love songs named after me?

I loved New Kids on the Block when I was 12 too. Oh wait, this is their new album. That's not lame at all. (Listen, I'm allowed to say that because I still listen to the Backstreet Boys at least once a day...)

My Heart Will Go On and on and on and on too.

You like jazz? What a loser!

Why are you embarrassed about listening to The Jonas Brothers. They are totally legit.

I, personally, have nothing to hide on my ipod. But I swear, if you even touch it, I will, I will...make you listen to every BSB song in my repertoire. I dated someone who listened to the Backstreet Boys once. Shame it didn't work out. I can't imagine why?

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes candy...

2009-05-13T10:55:00.003-04:00

...is all I wish to think about. I need to make a trip to THE BEST CANDY STORE EVER soon, real soon.

Seriously, where else can a girl buy Bit-o-Honey for $1.99 a pound?

If you live in NYC or you are in town for a bit, it's worth the trip to the East Village. Trust me, this candy store MUST be great if I'm willing to travel to the lower east side. (While you're there, eat a fried hot dog at Crif Dog.)

Economy Candy
108 Rivington Street
New York, NY 10002
Phone: (800) 352-4544
Fax: (212) 254-2606
Open Sun-Fri 9-6, Sat 10-5

Time to put away my childish day dreaming and blog for realz.

Love,
Jenna

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 5/11/09

2009-05-11T10:45:00.003-04:00

New Joisey: The New Jersey Housewives kick off their first season of housewiving (i.e. tanning, shopping, tanning and defending their family name) on Bravo tomorrow night. Don't get too excited, there is only ONE knife fight in the first episode.

Confession: I am on steroids. I know, now that I've admitted it, it's totally obvious and you can't believe that we've been living in denial for this long.

Really?: Shirley Jones is considering posing for Playboy. Yes, Shirley Jones, the mom from The Partridge Family, who is now 75 years old, is considering posing for Playboy. I did not make that up. I repeat, that is NOT a fake rumor. I know that Hugh is getting a little (a lot) older but I had no idea his taste aged with him. Dry heave...now.

Plastic Surgery Alert: Bruce Jenner is getting another face lift because he wants to look more like Michael Jackson.

I'm JK. Don't mess with me or I'll have Keifer Sutherland headbutt you.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes SNL...

2009-05-11T09:56:00.008-04:00

...completely hijacks my words.

I don't know if any of you watched SNL on Saturday but Mr. Andy Samberg totally swiped my phrase, "Mother Lover," and made it a little nastier than I ever intended. Beware. Use phrase cautiously.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes Community...

2009-05-10T17:36:00.006-04:00

...looks like a fantastic new TV show coming this fall to NBC.

I might be very excited about this.

Check it out:

Love,

Jenna

Sometimes my friends...

2009-05-09T11:31:00.003-04:00

...are the best! Thank you to all of my lovelies who came to the show last night. It was a GREAT success. Such a success that some of you weren't able to get in because the show sold out. I am SO sorry about that. But never fear, there will be more shows and I do expect to see you there.

Thanks again, nerd faces.

Love,

Jenna

P.S. It's mother lovin' Mother's Day tomorrow so give your mom(s) a shout out. I watched my sister give birth last week and uh, you better be giving your mother the recognition she deserves because bringing you into this world was no small task. Trust me. It ain't pretty.

P.S.S. I'm going to see Star Trek tonight. Woot, woot. I wanna see some Trekkie action. Seriously, I want to see two Trekkies fall in love at first sight.

New York Comedy Club Tonight!

2009-05-08T14:53:00.001-04:00

See you suckers there!

Friday May 8th - Super Ego Comedy Showcase!
New York Comedy Club
241 East 24th Street
8 PM SHARP.

$10 cover/2 drink minimum

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes dating websites...

2009-05-08T13:01:00.005-04:00

...teach valuable lessons.

If you see what may look like a cute guy on a dating website and the "about me" of his profile says:

"When I meet a girl, I try to make her feel comfortable around me."

Click away as fast as you can.

You try to make her feel comfortable? Well, that's polite but why is this necessary for me to know? Isn't that an understood trait? Shouldn't I assume that you aren't a total a-hole in the first place? Don't we all want to make people feel comfortable around us? Especially on a dating website?

Apparently there are a lot of guys (and probably girls too) who feel the need to emphasize their ability to function normally in society because I have seen this phrase too many times.

You try to make a girl feel comfortable? How noble of you? Wait a minute, try? That isn't exactly absolute. That's like saying, "Don't worry, when I leave the house, I usually wear pants."

I used to think that the sign at fast food restaurants that says, "No shoes, no shirt, no service." were generally for, I don't know, homeless people, hippies, etc but now I'm starting to think that there are actually non-homeless, non-hippie men out there who might just walk into McDonald's without wearing shoes.

After this, I may just have to put "Employees must wash hands before returning to work" signs in the restrooms at my office.

This kind of obvious commentary can mean one of three things:

1. He's a normal guy trying to emphasize the fact that he's not a psycho (highly unlikely)

or

2. He's a psycho trying to hide the fact that he's a psycho (very likely)

or

3. I try to make a girl feel comfortable is "guy code" for: I won't fart in front of you until the 3rd date OR On our first date, I won't touch your boobs...on purpose.

I'm so tired of reading this "comfortable" line on profiles, it would almost be refreshing to read, "Hey, I'm Johnny and I'm a real douche bag so if I pay for dinner, I expect a little something something in return. And yes, I will try to touch your boobies within 15 minutes of our first date."

You make me feel so comfy. (Is that a Katy Perry song?)

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes Bernie Madoff's secretary

2009-05-06T10:22:00.005-04:00

...says ridiculous things.

I just read this on Huffington Post:

Bernie Madoff was a sexist, egomaniacal, short-tempered control freak—yet everybody loved him.

How does one become such a lovable a-hole? Do you think Bernie's secretary is afraid he has somebody working for him on the outside? Like she started saying bad things about him and panicked that maybe someday he would get out or send his hit man after her so she ended her statement with, "yet everybody loved him" just so she and her family might sleep peacefully each night?

I hope people say such nice things about me when I die or I'm sentenced to prison for 150 billion years.

That Jenna was a faux-blonde Sunchip addict, wannabe Spice Girl/anal retentive BSB stalker, nerdy blogger, loser girl(?)--yet everybody tolerated her.

(Oh my, I'm complicated. No wonder e-harmony rejected me. Oh yeah, add that to the list too.)

Watch your back, Secretary. He knows what you said, he's pissed and yet somehow it's irresistably charming. I'm blushing! No wonder he was able to steal so much money!

Love,
Jenna

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 5/4/09

2009-05-05T11:22:00.004-04:00

Hola Senor(ita) de Mexico: Cinco De Mayo is NOT a holiday based on Mayonnaise. It's a Mexican holiday celebrating Swine Flu. Oh wait, no, it does not celebrate Swine Flu but celebrations of this party holiday have been postponed this year. But not just because of Swine Flu. It's also because there aren't enough Americans in Mexico to celebrate a holiday that isn't their own as another poor excuse to get crunk.

This week in GROSS: VH1 Reality television stars shouldn't be referred to as celebrities of any letter status. They should be referred to as STDs. The she-STD from A Shot of Love and the he-STD from For the Love of Ray J are "dating" and by "dating" we mean, infecting the world with a disease far worse than the Swine Flu, another reality television program.

Latest victim of Swine Flu: Telemundo

Eminem, the whitest rapper of them all: What do Enimem and suburban housewives have in common? An addiction to Vicodin. Come on, Em, you can do better than that! What are you going to do next? Embezzle?

This Just In: Shia LaBeouf and Zac Efron are dueling this afternoon to see which one of them will win the opportunity to take me to Spring Fling. The only rule: stay away from the face. Any hits to the face will result in immediate disqualification. Especially you, Shia. Don't mess with Zac's face.

I'm JK and you are so happy I'm back.

Love,
Jenna

While I'm on blog-cation...

2009-04-30T13:24:00.003-04:00

...please sign up for my show!!! If you don't make reservations, I can't perform. Do us both a favor and sign up or else. Trust me, you don't want to see/experience my "else."

Here are the details:

Friday May 8th - Super Ego Comedy Showcase!
New York Comedy Club
241 East 24th Street
8 PM SHARP.

$10 cover/2 drink minimum

Make reservations at: info@superegocomedy.com OR jenna@jennakimjones.com (If you e-mail the first address, please make sure you tell them you are coming for me or else I won't get the credit.) And if you've made reservations already, would you let me know???

You better be there with or without the Swine Flu.

Love,

Jenna

Sometimes life...

2009-04-30T12:49:00.005-04:00

...is out of my control.

I had to rush off to my family in Utah unexpectedly so let me apologize now for not posting the last few days.

Until next week, I'm on a blog-cation. I promise I'll be back with another round of my Fake Rumors on Monday (unless of course I post before then...it's hard to live without posting).

Don't feel too lost without me, dweebs. I miss you.

Love,

Jenna

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 4/27/09

2009-04-27T10:52:00.003-04:00

OINK!: On vacation in Mexico, Ms. Piggy was asked not to return to the United States until the Swine Flu outbreak was under control. Mexican police arrested her and as she was thrown into prison she cried, "How dare you call me a swine! This is not my flu. Kermie, save me!" (8 cases of swine flu were diagnosed in Queens. Another reason I never leave Manhattan.)

TV Wedding (tastier than a TV dinner): Spencer and Heidi are tying the knot (tied the knot?) for realz. Their new married life reality show will premiere on Oxygen right after Tori and Dean's show because after destroying Nick and Jessica's marriage, MTV just couldn't bear to ruin another one. Then they'll have a baby, maybe twins or triplets which will land them a deal with TLC if they're lucky. Speaking of lucky, those kids are going to inherit a multi-network reality television show kingdom.

Symptoms of Swine Flu: Oinking, pork cravings, butt like J. Simpson, perma-pig face

The Sunfire Burns Out: GM announced today they are getting rid of the Pontiac line of cars. Apparently they carry Swine Flu...and they're lame...and GM is broke.

It's hot in New York, folks. Spring decided it was too cool for NYC and summer just couldn't wait to show it's sweaty face. The city smells like BO already. Yummy!

I'm JK and you need to wipe the sweat from your upper lip.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes all a good makeover needs...

2009-04-27T09:58:00.006-04:00

...is a jacket. Susan Boyle's new makeover is ruffling quite a few feathers. Who knew a makeover meant putting on a leather coat?

Move over Jessica Alba, this singing Scottish sudden superstar went from my elementary school librarian to Madeleine Albright meets Harvey Fierstein. Leather Jackets are the new wonder bra.

What about sequin jackets?

Susan Boyle could totally pull it off and she's never even been kissed. Those girls just look desperate. Especially that chubby blonde one on the right. She's gonna cut somebody.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I celebrate Earth Day...

2009-04-23T12:11:00.007-04:00

...by completely ignoring it. I'm pretty sure it was Earth Day yesterday and I didn't even eat any Sunchips! Where is my head these days, it's like I'm on a different planet! Earth to Jenna, it was Earth Day! OMG, duh!

Last year, if you remember, which you probably don't, I threw my first "Go Green or Go Home" party, which was sort of a big deal. Like P. Diddy's 4th of July White Party, everyone had to wear green from head to toe and bring their own plates, silverware, and cups. I died my fur coat green and one of my besties, Hannah Montana (I'm not really into Miley), wore a dress made out of old cell phone batteries, tires and sequins (the girl loves to sparkle). We were the talk of the fashion blogs for weeks. Then at the after party, everyone had a big water fight. And after the after party, I burned our trash instead of throwing it away. It was a huge success. Mother Earth was proud, I think.

Anyway, this year, I've decided to write a letter to earth.

Dear Mother Earth,

I hear you're getting warmer which is totally "hot" though I think winter ran a little long this year, if you ask me. You've been a good earth, minus a few disasters. What's up with those? How about making more rainbows? And more puppies and bunnies and Zac Efrons? Also, I'm really sorry about the three bottles of water I drank this morning. It's possible that at least one of them made it into the recycling bin unless of course the intern who I threw the bottle at and yelled, "Recycle this, loser!" failed. Do you think you could make the wind blow less in Manhattan? Thanx. TTYL!

Love,
Jenna

I'm going to get struck by lightning someday. Hopefully I'll be in my hybrid car when it happens. Happy Earth Day, mother [earth] lovers!

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I need...

2009-04-23T10:45:00.004-04:00

...your help. JKJ blog followers and readers everywhere but mostly in NYC, you are my only hope. On Friday, May 8th, I have the chance to perform in a comedy showcase. Here's where you come in. If I don't have at least four of you there cheering me on in the audience, I don't get any stage time. Soooooo, mark your calendars because if I don't get to tell jokes, it's ALL your fault. Just a little pressure, that's all.

Here are the details:

Friday May 8th
New York Comedy Club
241 East 24th Street
8 PM SHARP.

$10 cover/2 drink minimum (soda, juice, water counts for all my Momo friends out there and of course alcohol--for my rebellious friends...)

Make reservations at: info@superegocomedy.com OR jenna@jennakimjones.com (If you e-mail the first address, please make sure you tell them you are coming for me or else I won't get the credit.)

Come on, it will be fun. We'll watch a little comedy, you'll laugh at my mediocre jokes, then we'll go watch a Zac Efron movie afterward and maybe we'll cuddle? In your dreams, dweeb.

Love,
Jenna